Catullus 101

Was going through a box of old papers from my school days.

Here is Catullus 101 as (very) loosely translated by one Candice Green in 2000.

Multās per gentēs et multa per aequora vectus
Carried through many traffic jams and many red lights,

adveniō hās miserās, frāter, ad īnferiās,
I have come to this department store,

ut tē postrēmō dōnārem mūnere mortis
to return this defective coffee-maker

et mūtam nēquīquam alloquerer cinerem,
and to speak in vain to your customer service,

quandoquidem fortūna mihī tētē abstulit ipsum.
since fate has stolen the receipt from me.

heu miser indignē frāter adēmpte mihi,
Oh, my poor receipt, cruelly stolen from me!

nunc tamen intereā haec, prīscō quae mōre parentum
Now, however, meanwhile, accept this defective coffee-maker

trādita sunt trīstī mūnere ad īnferiās,
which has been bought from your store in the custom of the middle class,

accipe frāternō multum mānantia flētū,
as a wedding gift to my cousin,

atque in perpetuum, frāter, avē atque valē.
and forever, customer service, hail and farewell.

You know you say this…

I don’t know why oap isn’t a bona fide word by now. I bet you’ve all used the word at least once in the past 24 hours (unless you’re the sort of internetter who hasn’t seen another living being in the last 24 hours)…

oap (interjection): acknowledging a minor minor mistake; a word that I use 17 times a day, and hear coming out of other peoples’ mouths almost as often but that isn’t in the dictionary because one says it only when trying not to be noticed, and thus no one notices it as a word; minuscule form of oops, used when an oops might otherwise be appropriate, but you’re too busy concentrating on being an oaf to come up with anything much more than a random embarrassed grunt of a noise (possible origin of the word — a combination of oaf and oops?); an exclamation similar to eep, but much less urgent and sans any actual shock or fear, or for that matter, an exclamatory tone of voice; the proper, polite vocalization upon almost (but not quite) running into someone in an office hallway or grocery store

Stupid is a noun if I say it’s a noun.

If you have a problem with that, get off of my blog, and take your stupid with you, stupids.

I reserve the right to bastardize the English language in any way I please. I feel entitled to break the rules based on my above average knowledge of, pff, well. Everything. Breaking rules because you’re a dummy is just dumbness. But breaking them on purpose is amusing, and I’m just so durn darn smart that it’s actually impossible for me to succumb to accidental errorism. I’m a little bit modest about it sometimes, but it’s a fact — I’ve never made a mistake in my life. Anything that happens to look even a little bit mistakey is designed that way.

Do you ever have the feeling that people just don’t “get” you… Yeah… ’cause…

I guess it’s hard for the imperfect to comprehend the utter perfectness of my perfection.

I have no idea what I’m talking about.

“I pressed down the mental accelerator. The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an idea.”

I’m going to go watch The Pickup Artist.

This Is Pretty Stupid

Look, geniuses. The words “tips” was not originally an acronym for “To Insure Prompt Service”. For one thing, it would have to have been TEPS, because the proper word is ensure, not insure. For another thing, you’re not going to ensure prompt service by giving someone a tip as you’re leaving. See how that doesn’t make sense? If that was the purpose, you’d tip at the beginning of the meal.

You now have no excuse for ever saying this to me again, Internet.

Hydro bill != water bill

I was just talking to someone about my hydro bill. I managed to correct that one before getting asked what the hell a hydro bill is, but it inspired me to add to my list of Canadianisms I use that might confuse someone, because there are still ones I’ve just found out about (i.e. pencil crayons), and I was wondering if there were more. Here are some random ones I found on the interbutts. I’m sure some of these are used here, but I have no idea which ones those might be, because they’re all so familiar.

  • Stag party = Bachelorette party
  • Humidex = Measurement of what the temperature feels like in the summer when you factor in humidity
  • Butter tart = Disgusting dessert
  • Bachelor apartment = Studio apartment
  • Gotchies/undergotchies = Underwear
  • Panzerotto = Not a calzone, but close
  • Dick = What I did today (nothing)
  • Homo milk = Whole milk
  • Rubber = Eraser
  • March break = Spring break
  • Mickey = Pint bottle of booze (I had to look this up, because I still can’t process American measurements)
  • Forty/forty pounder = Forty ounce bottle of any liquor, not just malt liquor
  • Pissed = A word for drunk that is not used often enough stateside, along with sloshed, smashed, and eh… a whole lot of others
  • Poutine = What I wish I was eating right now — I live close enough to Wisconsin, there have got to be some fresh cheese curds somewhere around here…
  • Pogo = Canadian brand of corn dogs, used generically
  • KD = Short for KD, and all macaroni and cheese is Kraft Dinner (I still use this all the time)
  • Wenis = insult formed from a combination of wiener and penis
  • Timbit = Doughnut hole
  • Gino = (or Gina, if they’re female) Toronto version of a guido
  • Rice King = Guy who only dates asians
  • Ookpik = Well, I don’t know how to explain this. So, um, click here
  • Toque = I still haven’t determined the proper replacement term for a toque. Stocking cap, skull cap, and beanie don’t do it for me, because I know what those are, and they ain’t toques. A stocking cap is one of those elongated dealies, like Santa Claus wears. A skull cap is like a toque but is too short to fold over, and if it’s really short, it’s a Yarmulke or other religious head-covering. A beanie is made of stiffer material and sometimes has a propeller on top. And yet I get laughed at for calling a toque a toque. Excuuuuuuse me, but that’s what it is!

Oh, and…

  • Hydro bill = Electric bill (Canada uses a lot of hydroelectric power)