Hydro bill != water bill

I was just talking to someone about my hydro bill. I managed to correct that one before getting asked what the hell a hydro bill is, but it inspired me to add to my list of Canadianisms I use that might confuse someone, because there are still ones I’ve just found out about (i.e. pencil crayons), and I was wondering if there were more. Here are some random ones I found on the interbutts. I’m sure some of these are used here, but I have no idea which ones those might be, because they’re all so familiar.

  • Stag party = Bachelorette party
  • Humidex = Measurement of what the temperature feels like in the summer when you factor in humidity
  • Butter tart = Disgusting dessert
  • Bachelor apartment = Studio apartment
  • Gotchies/undergotchies = Underwear
  • Panzerotto = Not a calzone, but close
  • Dick = What I did today (nothing)
  • Homo milk = Whole milk
  • Rubber = Eraser
  • March break = Spring break
  • Mickey = Pint bottle of booze (I had to look this up, because I still can’t process American measurements)
  • Forty/forty pounder = Forty ounce bottle of any liquor, not just malt liquor
  • Pissed = A word for drunk that is not used often enough stateside, along with sloshed, smashed, and eh… a whole lot of others
  • Poutine = What I wish I was eating right now — I live close enough to Wisconsin, there have got to be some fresh cheese curds somewhere around here…
  • Pogo = Canadian brand of corn dogs, used generically
  • KD = Short for KD, and all macaroni and cheese is Kraft Dinner (I still use this all the time)
  • Wenis = insult formed from a combination of wiener and penis
  • Timbit = Doughnut hole
  • Gino = (or Gina, if they’re female) Toronto version of a guido
  • Rice King = Guy who only dates asians
  • Ookpik = Well, I don’t know how to explain this. So, um, click here
  • Toque = I still haven’t determined the proper replacement term for a toque. Stocking cap, skull cap, and beanie don’t do it for me, because I know what those are, and they ain’t toques. A stocking cap is one of those elongated dealies, like Santa Claus wears. A skull cap is like a toque but is too short to fold over, and if it’s really short, it’s a Yarmulke or other religious head-covering. A beanie is made of stiffer material and sometimes has a propeller on top. And yet I get laughed at for calling a toque a toque. Excuuuuuuse me, but that’s what it is!

Oh, and…

  • Hydro bill = Electric bill (Canada uses a lot of hydroelectric power)

Shit list

$370 to replace a lost green card! I thought $290 was excessive, but I hadn’t noticed the additional $80 biometrics fee. What the fuckity fuck? That’s it… The USCIS is now officially at the top of my Asshole Organizations I Have to Deal With shit list, which is as follows:

  1. USCIS
  3. UPS
  4. Comcast
  5. Microsoft
  6. Dell
  7. Capital One
  8. Wells Fargo
  9. Wal-Mart
  10. AT&T

Paris Hilton wears her own face

Paris Hilton wears her own face – The Superficial

Paris Hilton visited the Ole Henrickson Spa on Tuesday, and afterwards showed off her new shirt, which happens to be a Warhol-inspired design of her own face.

This is why I love her. She’s completely full of herself, which would be annoying, except that she’s perfectly justified. See me posting a blog entry about her? Damn straight, I can hardly help myself, and neither can the rest of this country. If everyone just ignored her, she’d go away. Thing is, nobody wants to. Just admit it already. Even if you don’t love her, you love to hate her, which amounts to the same thing in the end — more photos, more news stories, and more money for Paris. Paris owns you.

In honour of Independence Day

I will do the opposite of what I usually do, and list ways that America is better than Canada (but I still won’t spell “honour” without a u):

  • Butter comes in easy-to-measure “sticks” instead of one big block
  • Alcohol is sold in grocery and convenience stores, until late at night, even on Sundays
  • Cheapass malt liquor and hobo wine
  • Fabulous variety of potentially lethal energy drinks
  • Abundance of delicious Mexican food
  • Freedom of speech (at least in theory) (“hate speech” is restricted in Canada, which IMHO, leads freedom of speech down a dangerously slippery slope)
  • Freedom of the press (also in theory) – no CRTC to “protect” culture or to dictate what media citizens get to consume (no, seriously, “free speech” in Canada is an even bigger joke than it is here, somehow, even considering the BS the FCC keeps pulling)
  • No real or symbolic ties to an obsolete monarchy
  • Separation of church and state (again, in theory) (see above point for one reason it does not exist in Canada)
  • NASA
  • White House has central air conditioning (vs. 24 Sussex Drive, which had 22 window units last I heard)
  • Non-bilingual packaging allows for more attractive use of whitespace
  • Cheaper books and magazines

…more to come, I expect, but I have no attention span.