Catullus 101

Was going through a box of old papers from my school days.

Here is Catullus 101 as (very) loosely translated by one Candice Green in 2000.

Multās per gentēs et multa per aequora vectus
Carried through many traffic jams and many red lights,

adveniō hās miserās, frāter, ad īnferiās,
I have come to this department store,

ut tē postrēmō dōnārem mūnere mortis
to return this defective coffee-maker

et mūtam nēquīquam alloquerer cinerem,
and to speak in vain to your customer service,

quandoquidem fortūna mihī tētē abstulit ipsum.
since fate has stolen the receipt from me.

heu miser indignē frāter adēmpte mihi,
Oh, my poor receipt, cruelly stolen from me!

nunc tamen intereā haec, prīscō quae mōre parentum
Now, however, meanwhile, accept this defective coffee-maker

trādita sunt trīstī mūnere ad īnferiās,
which has been bought from your store in the custom of the middle class,

accipe frāternō multum mānantia flētū,
as a wedding gift to my cousin,

atque in perpetuum, frāter, avē atque valē.
and forever, customer service, hail and farewell.