Category Archives: Canada

Soooooo tired

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I think the last time I got a full night’s sleep was… uh… I can’t remember.

I just got back from Toronto. This time, the train ride back home was TWICE as long as my flight. I’d take a nap, but as my sister discovered this weekend, it is not even close to possible to wake me up once I’m unconscious. Setting my alarm would have no effect, and besides, doors at Metro for Metric open in half an hour. I’ve got to change! And put some Noxzema on this sunburn! Sol:1, Candice:0. No tan whatsoever. Just some painfully red shoulders, and a 100% increase in freckles. Was spared my sister’s fate of a red sniffer only because my foundation is SPF 15.

Ramble pointlessly some more, but I have to go destench myself and then leave again. No rest for Candices.

Hydro bill != water bill

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I was just talking to someone about my hydro bill. I managed to correct that one before getting asked what the hell a hydro bill is, but it inspired me to add to my list of Canadianisms I use that might confuse someone, because there are still ones I’ve just found out about (i.e. pencil crayons), and I was wondering if there were more. Here are some random ones I found on the interbutts. I’m sure some of these are used here, but I have no idea which ones those might be, because they’re all so familiar.

  • Stag party = Bachelorette party
  • Humidex = Measurement of what the temperature feels like in the summer when you factor in humidity
  • Butter tart = Disgusting dessert
  • Bachelor apartment = Studio apartment
  • Gotchies/undergotchies = Underwear
  • Panzerotto = Not a calzone, but close
  • Dick = What I did today (nothing)
  • Homo milk = Whole milk
  • Rubber = Eraser
  • March break = Spring break
  • Mickey = Pint bottle of booze (I had to look this up, because I still can’t process American measurements)
  • Forty/forty pounder = Forty ounce bottle of any liquor, not just malt liquor
  • Pissed = A word for drunk that is not used often enough stateside, along with sloshed, smashed, and eh… a whole lot of others
  • Poutine = What I wish I was eating right now — I live close enough to Wisconsin, there have got to be some fresh cheese curds somewhere around here…
  • Pogo = Canadian brand of corn dogs, used generically
  • KD = Short for KD, and all macaroni and cheese is Kraft Dinner (I still use this all the time)
  • Wenis = insult formed from a combination of wiener and penis
  • Timbit = Doughnut hole
  • Gino = (or Gina, if they’re female) Toronto version of a guido
  • Rice King = Guy who only dates asians
  • Ookpik = Well, I don’t know how to explain this. So, um, click here
  • Toque = I still haven’t determined the proper replacement term for a toque. Stocking cap, skull cap, and beanie don’t do it for me, because I know what those are, and they ain’t toques. A stocking cap is one of those elongated dealies, like Santa Claus wears. A skull cap is like a toque but is too short to fold over, and if it’s really short, it’s a Yarmulke or other religious head-covering. A beanie is made of stiffer material and sometimes has a propeller on top. And yet I get laughed at for calling a toque a toque. Excuuuuuuse me, but that’s what it is!

Oh, and…

  • Hydro bill = Electric bill (Canada uses a lot of hydroelectric power)

Wait a second…

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So, Americans don’t know what pencil crayons are? This blows my mind. So, what the fuck do they call them? I’d ask Sean, but he’s sleeping. Bah. I can’t believe I haven’t talked about pencil crayons since moving here. Apparently, I would have received the same blank stare I’ve gotten by mentioning duotangs or elastics.

In honour of Independence Day

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I will do the opposite of what I usually do, and list ways that America is better than Canada (but I still won’t spell “honour” without a u):

  • Butter comes in easy-to-measure “sticks” instead of one big block
  • Alcohol is sold in grocery and convenience stores, until late at night, even on Sundays
  • Cheapass malt liquor and hobo wine
  • Fabulous variety of potentially lethal energy drinks
  • Abundance of delicious Mexican food
  • Freedom of speech (at least in theory) (“hate speech” is restricted in Canada, which IMHO, leads freedom of speech down a dangerously slippery slope)
  • Freedom of the press (also in theory) – no CRTC to “protect” culture or to dictate what media citizens get to consume (no, seriously, “free speech” in Canada is an even bigger joke than it is here, somehow, even considering the BS the FCC keeps pulling)
  • No real or symbolic ties to an obsolete monarchy
  • Separation of church and state (again, in theory) (see above point for one reason it does not exist in Canada)
  • NASA
  • White House has central air conditioning (vs. 24 Sussex Drive, which had 22 window units last I heard)
  • Non-bilingual packaging allows for more attractive use of whitespace
  • Cheaper books and magazines

…more to come, I expect, but I have no attention span.

Wait, what?

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“Canada’s New Government”? Blah blah blah, some shit about some scientist or whatever. This is too stupid to even comment on. I’m guessing that everyone else agrees, since there are only 300-some articles to be found about this on Google News, and most of them don’t seem to be related to the rebranding. But this needs more attention. Now I’m going to go vomit!

I was just going to throw my vote away, anyway

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Guess who won’t be voting in the Canadian election today!? That would be me. Considering I’m currently in Chicago and all. I feel very irresponsible, and I’m going to feel like a sham when I complain for the next few years. But it’s not my fault. I don’t think. I never received my special ballot. I don’t know who to blame. Elections Canada? Canada Post? The United States Postal Service? There are just too many organizations that I don’t trust whose hands it would have had to pass through. I sent in my form over a month ago, but meh. I didn’t really follow up on it when it didn’t show up. Hardly noticed that the date was coming so quickly. Oh well. In my particular riding, I don’t think I was going to be the deciding vote. I guess there is some apathy involved here.

Canadian expats and interested Americans (if any — none of the Americans I know even seem aware that this election exists), C-SPAN will be showing CBC’s election coverage starting at 9:30 ET. If you feel that the results are likely to cause you to require alcohol (for celebration, or in despair, whichever the case may be), connect2canada.com has a list of fine establishments that will be showing the coverage tonight. I may or may not wind up at Elephant & Castle tonight, because there’s definitely no one in my apartment that cares about any of this. Either that, or I will surely be whining on ICQ. If you don’t want to hear some whining tonight, I suggest that you avoid me.