Dear gomers who design ATMs.

This is what I see when I look at your creations.

“Insert check”???

I don’t see anywhere to insert a “check”!

I get actual cheques maybe once or twice a year, so I always forget where the damned slot is. (Hell, ’cause there’s usually a new model ATM installed by then, or my bank has been assimilated by another bank, Borg style.)

I stand there looking all gormless for approximately forever, and people are waiting behind me. Attractive people. Always attractive people, when I’m gormless. Waiting and judging.

Oh, right. The slot is just barely visible in the top left of the photo there. And this photo doesn’t quite accurately represent my POV because I cannot actually see that thing at all at all at all in real life without making like I’m hover-squatting over the toilet in a nightclub bathroom stall.

You have made your machine accessible to midgets and people in wheelchairs. Congrats. It is now inaccessible to tall ladies in heels.

Yes. I’m complaining about this. I have nothing better to complain about today, and well, complaining is my only hobby.

I have a thing or two to say about public water fountains as well, FYI.

I don’t know what sort of construction equipment it is that they’ve been using outside all day.

I do know that that it’s been beeping 90% of the time meaning that 90% of the time it’s been going “backward” and that 100% of the day I’ve been pissed off.

Either the person operating the equipment is doing it wrong or the entire machine has been constructed backward. Because it’s my opinion that whichever direction the machine spends the majority of its time going in is obviously forward.

And if it’s going forward it doesn’t need to be beeping.

Somebody involved along the line could have used these instructional videos back in preschool.

Hello there, web form asking me for my personal information!

I can understand why my address is “required information”, even though not everybody has an address. It may indeed be difficult to ship something to someone without an address.

However, “home phone” is also required by you. I do not have a home phone. I do not (think I) know anybody under the age of 30 who has a home phone. Not unless they have DSL, in which case they have may or may not have an actual phone attached to that phone line, and if they do have a phone attached to that phone line the only people who call it are telemarketers. I don’t know why they know that the only people who call it are telemarketers since it was silly of them to answer a phone that rings when someone dials a number they never gave out to anyone, but that’s kind of irrelevant to my main point here.

I filled in your “home phone” field with “N/A” because it is not applicable, but that’s not good enough for you. You only accept entries in the form ###-###-####. Give me a break. Even if I did have a home phone number your form should at least be programmed to be smart enough to figure out that any entry with at least ten digits (or alternatively a “1” followed by ten other digits) is an acceptable phone number. But, as I’ve pointed out, I don’t have a home phone number. Your form is impossible to fill out without lying. And lying is bad. You will not accept the truth, even if I spell it out in full: “not applicable”. You can’t handle the truth.

Didn’t you see that I also filled in your “cell phone” field with my cell phone number? That’s better than a home phone number. If you call my cell phone number you can contact me all the time, even if I am not at home. But when I am home, it still works there, too! You can send me text messages. You can leave me voicemail even if I don’t own some fiddly analog tape-thingy.

Get a clue, dudes.

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