talking to myself during the vampire diaries

(12:33:55 AM) Candice: how are these people without jobs or families ALSO now revealed to own lakehouses
(12:34:27 AM) Candice: while most of the vampires, who could have made wise investments long ago, are squatting wherever
(12:35:19 AM) Candice: where are their parents!? wait n/m nearly all of the adults in this series have been killed already
(12:35:47 AM) Candice: except the attractive and single males
(12:35:49 AM) Candice: why is that
(12:36:24 AM) Candice: vampires love killing off MILFs?
(12:36:34 AM) Candice: or shoudl that be MsILF
(12:36:49 AM) Candice: which reminds me that i shoudl wathc the gilmroe girls again
(12:38:30 AM) Candice: because no good reason one of the scenes i remember from that is laurelai and rory talking about passersby and passerbys
(12:39:27 AM) Candice: the amount of eyebrow waggling on this show……..
(12:39:51 AM) Candice: does the CW compensate them for the massive amout of botox they’ll need later on?
(12:40:02 AM) Candice: due to forehead wrinkles due to over-acting?
(12:40:52 AM) Candice: the acting isn’t actually bad
(12:40:56 AM) Candice: the writing isn’t bad, either
(12:41:01 AM) Candice: the concept is just FUCKING HORRIBLE
(12:41:28 AM) Candice: which is probably why i watch this. completely awful is just no fun.
(12:42:22 AM) Candice: pretty good + really actually pretty good + smarmy hot guy + RETARDED PREMISE making the entire thing a joke = yes?
(12:42:48 AM) Candice: and actresses named candice
(12:42:51 AM) Candice: i’m always on their side
(12:42:58 AM) Candice: especially when they spell it correctly
(12:43:02 AM) Candice: fuck off, candace cameron

Nonexistent as Far as I’m Concerned Soup

Why is Web Soup the only TV show I can’t find on the web? Not for free, not for a fee. Not legally, not illegally. I mean, doesn’t it seem logical that of all of the shows that are online Web Soup would be one of them? Take a look at it’s title, FFS.

Especially when it’s watched by gigantic nerds, many of whom are early adopter types who (like me) have cancelled cable in favour of Hulu, Netflix, streaming from network sites (PlayOn makes this super awesome), purchasing through iTunes or Zune, etc. or (yes) torrenting?


Although, as a gigantic nerd I have generally seen most of the featured videos. But the banter! I can never absorb enough witty banter.

Paris Hilton is my Hero

I’m still working on properly wording the reasons why, lest any of you think I’m joking.

I am entirely serious.

Paris Hilton is a genius.

While I’m dealing with my cognitive dissonance, there’s also this:

Are people really still whining about Google Street View? Because the fucking name itself kind of implies that one would be able to view the related images from the street. There’s a reason they don’t call the site Google Toilet-Bowl Vview. I mean, I don’t know if you guys were aware, but… most streets are public property, which means that they are not private property, which means that you are not entitled to privacy on those streets, since you’re in public (am I going in circles). This is why people invented curtains and fences. Pointing a (zoom) lens at half-naked celebrities from half a mile away on a public street… kind of creepy, but entirely legal. Pointing a lens at half-naked celebrities from directly in front of them with their explicit permission… somehow potentially illegal, inappropriate, and obscene / yadda yadda yadda. A plentiful financial bounty can be yours, with the right attorney! See the power some nails and wood can give you? Build a barrier and STFU, penises. Or find a convenient knot-hole, and become rich overnight! No brains or hard work involved in either one of these strategies.

And in the case of you pathetic non-celebrities? Pff. If we can see you from the street, no doubt you’re trying to be seen. And if we can see you protesting on television, no doubt you’re trying to make a quick buck and get your fifteen minutes. Fucking hypocrites. Speaking out against what you most crave. And if you’re not on television? What the fuck. I don’t give a shit about you. Fuck off.

[edit]Extra emphasis in order to be more facetious.[/edit]

You might get no cards, you might get AIDs

I’m getting an awful lot of hits lately for the search terms Uno Attack AIDS. I’m the number one result, hurrah. Apparently the commercial has been featured on VH1’s The Best Week Ever, and so, welp, here’s a video clip of the commercial for you guys, since it’s what most of you showing up here seem to be looking for:

And here it is on YTMND, in case you want to see it five hundred times in a row.


The real lyrics are:

Hit the launcher
Tempt your fate
You might get no cards
You might get eight

Eating less means people consume less food!

The new issue of Skeptical Inquirer reprints Stephen Barrett’s “Analysis of Kevin Trudeau’s ‘Natural Cures’ Infomercial”. It’s like MST3K for skeptics. Stephen just wrote down most of the things I used to sit there yelling at Trudeau on 47 screens on Sunday mornings when I was working at Fox. Good times, those were.

I thought I’d link to it again because a) “Kevin Trudeau” is the number two search term used to find my website (second only to “nautical star tattoos” — and kids, bad idea = getting the new trendy symbol marked on you, because: do you know how long trends last? now, do you know how long tattoos last? compare your answers here…), and b) I still feel irresponsible for having access to a television station’s copy of this bullshit without so much as “misplacing” it when I quit. I feel a little bit better to know that nobody watched anything that station aired except for The 700 Club and American Idol. But somebody managed to get the book out of Walgreens, and I still feel compelled to write at least 47 letters of complaint. Maybe not until I acquire a typewriter and become at least 5% more curmudgeonly. I mean, I’m already curmudgeonly, but not so much that it overcomes my affinity for doing absolutely nothing…

One day I hope to become at least as curmudgeonly (er, pseudo-curmudgeonly) as Ted L. Nancy, Lazlo Toth (Don Novello) or these guys. So far, I have only one cat. I’m aiming to collect at least 27 more.