What is this “you only think you’re an atheist” garbageness? I’ve had people say this to me on many occasions and I’m not really sure what they’re getting at.

Are they trying to tell me that I believe in something, some sort of god thing or other, without being aware of it? Because that’s absurd. Literally. “Utterly or obviously senseless, illogical, or untrue; contrary to all reason or common sense; laughably foolish or false: an absurd explanation.”

Maybe I suffer from multiple personality disorder and no one has bothered to tell “me” about it. In that case I would argue that they’re going to have to be more specific in their use of the word “you”.

Maybe they imagine that I don’t know what the word “atheist” means. If I thought that a peanut butter sandwich was a person who is approximately 5’9″ tall and habitually wears socks I would be pretty sure that I was a peanut butter sandwich. But I don’t think I’m wrong about what an atheist is.

(I think that the sort of person who says things to me like “you only think you’re an atheist” is much more likely to need to have a few words defined for them. Especially the words “atheist” and “agnostic”. I think that saying something like “you only think you’re an atheist” to me is likely to cause any conversation to degrade into me ranting at you, making use of supplementary charts.)

Maybe they’re a philosopher, in which case, I’m going to go take a nap, and they can blather on about the nature of knowledge to somebody else. Thanks. If I can’t objectively know anything stop bothering to try to teach me that I can’t objectively know anything because I can’t objectively know about it no matter how hard you try, and I will only continue to say ridiculous and flippant things like this to you until you shut up, anyway.

But no, really. What the fuck information are they trying to convey with a statement like “you only think you’re an atheist”. Can anybody tell me?

Bob, I abhor these things. Anyway, boredom and procrastination lead me to do this. Started by The Friendly Atheist, you’re supposed to bold the shit on this list you’ve done. The more boldification, the harder core an atheist you are or whatever the hell that means. An atheist is an atheist, if you ask me. Dunna believe in Jebus et al., end of story, all there is to it. But blahbitty:

1. Participated in the Blasphemy Challenge. (I’ve blasphemed plenty of times, just not on YouTube.)
2. Met at least one of the “Four Horsemen” (Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris) in person. (Meh).
3. Created an atheist blog. (Just this piece of shit — I’m not the sort who can settle on one subject.)
4. Used the Flying Spaghetti Monster in a religious debate with someone.
5. Gotten offended when someone called you an agnostic.
6. Been unable to watch Growing Pains reruns because of Kirk Cameron.
7. Own more Bibles than most Christians you know.
8. Have at least one Bible with your personal annotations regarding contradictions, disturbing parts, etc.
9. Have come out as an atheist to your family.
10. Attended a campus or off-campus atheist gathering. (Not in college, and don’t like hanging out with groups composed of 99% old men, thx.)
11. Are a member of an organized atheist/Humanist/etc. organization. (Not at the moment. Lapsed on a few. Will probably donate to join 1 or 2 again before the end of the year).
12. Had a Humanist wedding ceremony.
13. Donated money to an atheist organization.
14. Have a bookshelf dedicated solely to Richard Dawkins. (Just a general atheism/religion shelf).
15. Lost the friendship of someone you know because of your non-theism. (If I have any particularly religious friends, or if I ever did, I don’t know about it. Well, I’ve had one or two, but in Canada, they’re just not so… freakish about it.)
16. Tried to argue or have a discussion with someone who stopped you on the street to proselytize.
17. Had to hide your atheist beliefs on a first date because you didn’t want to scare him/her away. (Um, no. If that would scare them away, I’d prefer them to be scared away.)
18. Own a stockpile of atheist paraphernalia (bumper stickers, buttons, shirts, etc). (Particularly fond of my homemade FSM magnet.)
19. Attended a protest that involved religion. (Was considering the Scientology protests, but uh… I don’t consider that a religion, anyway.)
20. Attended an atheist conference. (I am broke.)
21. Subscribe to Pat Condell’s YouTube channel. (I might, I don’t know, actually.)
22. Started an atheist group in your area or school. (No need. There are already several composed of old men or students of schools I don’t go to.)
23. Successfully “de-converted” someone to atheism. (I don’t actually know.)
24. Have already made plans to donate your body to science after you die.
25. Told someone you’re an atheist only because you wanted to see the person’s reaction. (Why?)
26. Had to think twice before screaming “Oh God!” during sex. Or you said something else in its place.
27. Lost a job because of your atheism. (No, but I wouldn’t want to work at a place like that, anyway, so I doubt I’d be sobbing.)
28. Formed a bond with someone specifically because of your mutual atheism (meeting this person at a local gathering or conference doesn’t count).
29. Have crossed “In God We Trust” off of — or put a pro-church-state-separation stamp on — dollar bills. (ALWAYS, if I have a Sharpie around.)
30. Refused to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. (Especially since I’m not an American — I used to do school portraits here in the state, and all the kids and teachers would stand up and recite. I’d stay on my damned ass.)
31. Said “Gesundheit!” (or nothing at all) after someone sneezed because you didn’t want to say “Bless you!”
32. Have ever chosen not to clasp your hands together out of fear someone might think you’re praying. (Who cares?)
33. Have turned on Christian TV because you need something entertaining to watch.
34. Are a 2nd or 3rd (or more) generation atheist. (Both of my parents are pretty atheisty, I think, even if they don’t realize it. Either way, I certainly wasn’t raised with any sort of religion, period. Not beyond reading the Christmas story on Christmas Eve, but my mom doesn’t believe that shit, anyway. She thinks Jebus was an alien or some wonko Daniken crap.)
35. Have “atheism” listed on your Facebook or dating profile — and not a euphemistic variant.
36. Attended an atheist’s funeral (i.e. a non-religious service). (All of my atheist pals are alive.)
37. Subscribe to an freethought magazine (e.g. Free Inquiry, Skeptic)
38. Have been interviewed by a reporter because of your atheism. (Is that shit news? I’ve had a few messages in my inbox asking for interviews about various things. That might have been one of them. But I always ignore them.)
39. Written a letter-to-the-editor about an issue related to your non-belief in God.
40. Gave a friend or acquaintance a New Atheist book as a gift. (They’ve all got ’em already.)
41. Wear pro-atheist clothing in public. (I don’t like printed shirts period, kthx.)
42. Have invited Mormons/Jehovah’s Witnesses into your house specifically because you wanted to argue with them. (They never visit me ):
43. Have been physically threatened (or beaten up) because you didn’t believe in God. (I’m from Canada, eh. No one gave a damn.)
44. Receive Google Alerts on “atheism” (or variants). (Google shmoogle.)
45. Received fewer Christmas presents than expected because people assumed you didn’t celebrate it. (I don’t expect many presents in the first place, really.)
46. Visited The Creation Museum or saw Ben Stein’s Expelled just so you could keep tabs on the “enemy.” (And give them my money? Fuck that noise.)
47. Refuse to tell anyone what your “sign” is… because it doesn’t matter at all.
48. Are on a mailing list for a Christian organization just so you can see what they’re up to… (Not on purpose, but other people keep signing me up.)
49. Have kept your eyes open while you watched others around you pray.
50. Avoid even Unitarian churches because they’re too close to religion for you.

Well. That was time well wasted. I’m going to go be equally as unproductive doing something else now. Later, gators.

Also, my train is being delayed even more! By how long, no one cares to say. But there are angus burgers and chicken caesar salad and hot chicken sandwiches available for lunch. Thanks so much for the update, guys. This train is already more than two hours late. Oh well. The conductor sounds exactly like John Goodman, so at least that’s mildly amusing.