Author Archives: Candice

I will donate one dollar to charity for every comment on this post, up to one dollar.

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This holiday, we wanted to enable the Chrome community to work together for a good cause. Starting today, we invite you to support five worthy causes by counting and “donating” the tabs you open in Chrome.

Everyone’s total tabs will determine a charitable donation made on behalf of the Chrome community, up to one million dollars.

In other words: we want people to switch to Chrome and have a one million dollar advertising budget to make it happen. Otherwise they would just skip the bullshit and donate the million dollars they’re already committed to donating.

It’s still charity, kind of, so I’m not so very mad at you, Google. Those million dollars are multitasking, at least. It’s better than TV ads or billboards. But I challenge just one company to just one time run a campaign like this without including the words “up to ______ dollars”.

Ya know, I suppose there are possibly some nice tax benefits to “donating to charity” as advertising. That might explain why companies do this kind of thing so often. It’s also a very good form of advertising to choose if you’re trying to get people to think nice thoughts about your product or service, most definitely (while not even realizing that they’re being advertised at!)

Actual excerpt from actual terrible book

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From Invitation Only by Kate Brian:

“I know. It’s not easy,” Ariana said, shaking her head. She hugged her notebooks to her chest and curled her slim shoulders in against the wind, her chin tucked down so it was almost hidden behind the books. “But if you’re going to put something on a page and ask people to read it, you have to be able to handle the criticism.”

“I guess,” I said as we reached the front door to Billings. “It just seemed mean.”

Not taking the bait.

Nonexistent as Far as I’m Concerned Soup

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Why is Web Soup the only TV show I can’t find on the web? Not for free, not for a fee. Not legally, not illegally. I mean, doesn’t it seem logical that of all of the shows that are online Web Soup would be one of them? Take a look at it’s title, FFS.

Especially when it’s watched by gigantic nerds, many of whom are early adopter types who (like me) have cancelled cable in favour of Hulu, Netflix, streaming from network sites (PlayOn makes this super awesome), purchasing through iTunes or Zune, etc. or (yes) torrenting?

Dumb.

Although, as a gigantic nerd I have generally seen most of the featured videos. But the banter! I can never absorb enough witty banter.

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

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I don’t know what sort of construction equipment it is that they’ve been using outside all day.

I do know that that it’s been beeping 90% of the time meaning that 90% of the time it’s been going “backward” and that 100% of the day I’ve been pissed off.

Either the person operating the equipment is doing it wrong or the entire machine has been constructed backward. Because it’s my opinion that whichever direction the machine spends the majority of its time going in is obviously forward.

And if it’s going forward it doesn’t need to be beeping.

Somebody involved along the line could have used these instructional videos back in preschool.

Of possible relevance

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From the Principia Discordia, the least retarded bible I am aware of.

A Sermon on Ethics and Love

One day Malaclypse the Younger, the Benevolent Polyfather, asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desperate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an etheral female Voice said YES?

“O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!”

WHAT BOTHERS YOU, MAL? YOU DON’T SOUND WELL.

“I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, childen perish while brothers war. O, woe.”

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

“But nobody wants it! Everybody hates it.”

OH. WELL, THEN STOP.

At which moment She turned herself into an aspirin commercial and left The Polyfather stranded alone with his species.

ATTN: Concerned parties and parties that have chosen to concern themselves

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(Recently)

You have clearly never conversed with me on the topic of monogamy. If you had you would have quickly learned that my views are:

a) That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of.

,

b) For real? You’re being serious? Isn’t that boring?

,

c) Why?

,

d) That’ll never work.

and

e) Penguins are cute.

Goodnight.

Here is something much more important:

I do, in fact, need to lose weight.

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Because I’m too broke for shoppings, and I have nothing to wear.

So, unless you want me to go around naked? You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Internet. But it’s just not realistic. And if I don’t lose the seven pounds I gained, I will never fit into most of the clothes in my closet again. “Most” includes every single pair of pants I own minus the one pair with a “6” on the label that I bought when I weighed five pounds more than I do today.

And there go all of your arguments. Vanished in a puff of logic before you even made them. So don’t bother, unless you’re planning to buy me a new wardrobe.

If you are planning to buy me a new wardrobe we can negotiate. Otherwise, suck it.

I will be losing seven to seventeen pounds in the near future, depending on whether I decide I prefer the clothes I have put away with a “3” on the label or the ones with a “1” or a “0”. Thank you very much and goodnight.

(Until then I will be jubbling my larger than usual boobies around town in shirts that are slightly too small, and you can’t watch because you say stupid things to me, so neener neener neener.)

E.T. phone mobile

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Hello there, web form asking me for my personal information!

I can understand why my address is “required information”, even though not everybody has an address. It may indeed be difficult to ship something to someone without an address.

However, “home phone” is also required by you. I do not have a home phone. I do not (think I) know anybody under the age of 30 who has a home phone. Not unless they have DSL, in which case they have may or may not have an actual phone attached to that phone line, and if they do have a phone attached to that phone line the only people who call it are telemarketers. I don’t know why they know that the only people who call it are telemarketers since it was silly of them to answer a phone that rings when someone dials a number they never gave out to anyone, but that’s kind of irrelevant to my main point here.

I filled in your “home phone” field with “N/A” because it is not applicable, but that’s not good enough for you. You only accept entries in the form ###-###-####. Give me a break. Even if I did have a home phone number your form should at least be programmed to be smart enough to figure out that any entry with at least ten digits (or alternatively a “1” followed by ten other digits) is an acceptable phone number. But, as I’ve pointed out, I don’t have a home phone number. Your form is impossible to fill out without lying. And lying is bad. You will not accept the truth, even if I spell it out in full: “not applicable”. You can’t handle the truth.

Didn’t you see that I also filled in your “cell phone” field with my cell phone number? That’s better than a home phone number. If you call my cell phone number you can contact me all the time, even if I am not at home. But when I am home, it still works there, too! You can send me text messages. You can leave me voicemail even if I don’t own some fiddly analog tape-thingy.

Get a clue, dudes.

I don’t take (pathetic) bribes, not even on Twitter

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And I don’t work for free. (Although, to illustrate my point I will be breaking this rule a teensy bit and giving away some free and undeserved attention.)

Down with this kind of thing:

MTV wants me to advertise MTV and ZYNC. They want me to spam my Twitter followers and Facebook friends. They want me to subject myself to a deluge of marketing. On purpose. They want me to tell you that I like it.

Do I look like a bitch? Then why you try to fuck me like a bitch?

This isn’t a good bribe. There is approximately 0.0000001% chance of any real payoff. You want me to annoy and to be annoyed for (almost definitely) absolutely nothing? I do believe I will pass.

I believe it’s true that everyone has a price. But if I ever do sell out (and as a big fan of Andy Warhol, it’s one of my ambitions in life), you can be damned sure that you won’t be buying me so fucking cheap. Free is way the fuck too fucking cheap. Tweets aren’t worth much, but they’re not worthless. And you know this if you’re trying to trick me into selling them to you.

I do not “RT to win”, and if you need to use this kind of persuasion to get me to promote your product it probably sucks eleventy-seven penises.

I’m all for shameless self-promotion. I’m promote things I’m actually interested in all the damned time. But my personal endorsement is expensive. Even my “this is awesome, *winkwinkIknowyouknowI’mdoingitfortheprize*” endorsement. Fuck the fuck off. If you want me to contribute to your brand recognition, you’re going to need to cough up.

And my dear followers… don’t be Twitter whores. Have confidence. You’re worth enough to be classy Twitter escorts.