I do, in fact, need to lose weight.

Because I’m too broke for shoppings, and I have nothing to wear.

So, unless you want me to go around naked? You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Internet. But it’s just not realistic. And if I don’t lose the seven pounds I gained, I will never fit into most of the clothes in my closet again. “Most” includes every single pair of pants I own minus the one pair with a “6” on the label that I bought when I weighed five pounds more than I do today.

And there go all of your arguments. Vanished in a puff of logic before you even made them. So don’t bother, unless you’re planning to buy me a new wardrobe.

If you are planning to buy me a new wardrobe we can negotiate. Otherwise, suck it.

I will be losing seven to seventeen pounds in the near future, depending on whether I decide I prefer the clothes I have put away with a “3” on the label or the ones with a “1” or a “0”. Thank you very much and goodnight.

(Until then I will be jubbling my larger than usual boobies around town in shirts that are slightly too small, and you can’t watch because you say stupid things to me, so neener neener neener.)

Why I read very few of the most popular blogs

Number of posts per day: a fuckload
Portion of the fuckload I give a shit about: a few
Portion of the few that I’ve already seen on smaller blogs: most of them
Portion of the few that are original content or links I that haven’t already seen in the last week and that will therefore be reposted by smaller blogs within minutes to hours: the rest (i.e. not very fucking many)

I’d make this into an infographic, but here’s one thing that’s been boring me to death lately: infographics. They’re over. They’ve been over. (Not as over as steampunk, though.) Please stop. Construct the Venn diagram for this post in your mind, if you must.

I do need the rest of you to continue slogging through Boing Boing, anything Gawker, reddit, Digg, even Kottke (and I have a deep-seated, long-standing hatred of Kottke… of which the origin has been forgotten, but even so, fuck him). You are my social sieve. Thank you for contributing to the efficiency by which I jam my brain full of pointless trivia.

Or, ideally, Google could somehow figure out a way to make Reader weed out or group duplicates in my RSS subscriptions? Please? I don’t really need to see 50 reposts of every XKCD comic.

I dunno what the fuck this is. Purplemonkeydishwasher.

So, it’s 16 Celsius in Chicago right now. I would have enjoyed being able to go outside this weekend and like, do some shit other than sit on my ass in frozen-ass boring blah Calgary where it’s also far toastier than usual at 1 fucking degree Celsius. Whoop dee fuck. Nothing to do here but watch an entire decade’s worth of action movies and get drunk and drunker and drunkest. Which I would probably be doing at home (or some equivalent thereof), but I’d be doing it by choice, not because there’s no place to go and no thing to do and no anything to whateverthefuck.

Whatever. I think we’re going to go to a mall in a bit, and spend our incredibly valuable magical American dollars on doodads and watchamacallits and whatever else is leftover from after the Christmas retail rape. DVDs with French clogging up the artwork. And haircuts or something. Geezum H Christmas, a mall, that’s exotic. To some Chicagoery types, anyways, yeah. Oh Bob, Bob I am bored. Shit closes here at six on a Saturday? What’s that moronicallism? Waking up before noon to go to a mall, that’s some of the dumbest dumbshittery ever. Oh yeah there’s like some Le Chateau outlet store. Let’s go buy some irregulars, yee helling haw. I heard that place is crapitude these days now. Thanks, Canada. Only place I can ever find pants that fit on this continent. Way to ruin me.

Okay, what, nevermind. It’s flooding back home in Chicago, so floodpants will be appropriate anyway. So good. GOOD!

Oh I am sooooo getting tipsier than tippily-toededly possible on the flight back to Chicago, mother fluffers.

Wonko. I’m out of sorts, methinks. Bye, Internettertypes.

Vote no on marriage!

Hell with Prop 8. Can we repeal marriage altogether? For everyone? As far as I’m concerned, the government belongs out of my bedroom, and out of my relationships period. They don’t have a say in who I can be friends with, they shouldn’t have a say in who I choose to be more than friends with, regardless of the depth or expected length of my commitment. Civil unions for everyone, fine. Let people form whatever sort of contracts they like. That’s most of what a legal marriage is, anyway. Not much different from a business partnership, except that the business is a life and a home instead of an occupation and a shop (say). And most of the clauses that belong in that business contract (that are currently automagically the consequences of being legally married) are perfectly legal clauses to stick into any contract between any two people. Or three people. Or as many as you damned well please. I don’t think even the most extreme religious types have a problem with two men going into business with each other. Or three men. Or eleventy. The main issue seems to be that the entire concept of marriage, and those aspects of it that go above and beyond the black and white letter of the law, are inextricably tied up with things like religion and personal values. Which is fine. But those things are none of the government’s business. I don’t know why that’s not more obvious. It’s all very personal, and really has nothing to do with the logistics of running a city, state, or country, so mind your own beeswax, G-Men. Let’s just make the two things separate. Problem solved. If a particular church doesn’t want to marry anyone but heterosexuals, fine. If they don’t want to marry fourteen transvestites, whatever. Those fourteen transvestites can take their business elsewhere. But anyone who wants to gets to decide to combine their finances, share joint ownership of a home, blah blah blah. Hardly any change from what’s already possible. No big friggin’ deal. We run into a few issues when it comes to children, but I don’t think they’re anything that can’t be worked out. Health insurance is another problem, but here’s the solution to that one: universal health care.

Personally, I don’t much believe in marriage. I think a lot of it is a bunch of religious hoobajoob, and otherwise a bunch of legal mumbo jumbo. Neither of which has anything to do with how I feel about my husband, really. If I wasn’t part of an international couple, I probably wouldn’t have messed with it. It’s more or less a shortcut to signing a whole mess of other legal documents. I truly don’t see what all the fuss is about. Whether or not homosexuals are allowed to marry… is their behaviour going to change? That’s a big, fat, fucking no. What changed after my wedding… Let’s see… I dunno. Zip squat. Oh, right. I had an extra piece of paper lying around. Seems like a whole lot of kerfuffle over a bit of semantics (I got scolded every time I tried to make an argument out of semantics when I was a kid — I would like to scold this entire loopy country in turn). Call them married, or call them two people who live together, enjoy fucking, and plan to keep doing it for a while. What-ever. Nothing meaningful will be different.

What’s my excuse?

Laziness is an essential human characteristic. Where would we be without it? If we had limitless capacity for hard work, we’d still be hunting and gathering. Why would we be compelled to find more efficient ways of doing things, such as planting our crops all in once place, or enclosing our livestock in corrals? We’d be perfectly content to spend our entire waking lives in dedication to mere survival. There would be no need for innovation.

Instead, we have succeeded because we have an unsatisfiable urge to slack off. We use our creative minds to make the tasks necessary to everyday life faster and easier. We’d all be perfectly content by now if we didn’t also have a competing instinct to stockpile anything and everything. Thousands (and thousands) of years ago, if we came across an easier than usual source of a resource, we’d scoop it all up in order to reduce future effort. Now, almost everything comes easily, but we’re still compelled to accumulate as much as possible. Food is abundant. Not only do we not need to hunt down prey, but we can actually dial a phone number and have a meal placed directly into our hands. We consume to excess, because we can’t silence the primitive voice that tells us “get it while the getting is good — tomorrow you might need to stalk that pizza through a forest”.

We need to convince ourselves that we finally have enough. We have more than enough, and it’s not likely to change, unless we somehow forget everything we’ve discovered. The effort humans need to make in order to survive is now negligible. We don’t need to continue to hoard. We are not squirrels. I bet you’ve got boxes of junk in every corner of your home, brimming full of shit you hardly even remember you own. Wouldn’t the time and effort you spent earning the money you used to obtain those useless objects, those extra pounds… wouldn’t it have been better spent lying on a beach somewhere? It’s not as if we need to spend every hour of the summer preparing for winter anymore, we just need to put in a good week or two, and call it quits. It’s hard to come to grips with this. We’ve convinced ourselves that we need so many unnecessary things in life, just because without them things would seem almost too easy. But we can finally afford to give our instinctual laziness full reign (or nearly full — we’ll be at 100% just as soon as all of our work is taken over by humanity’s inevitable legacy of robots).

In direct conflict with our essential slack is the 9-to-5 workday. If we get our work done faster, do we get to go home earlier? No. We’re rewarded by having to do more work to fill up the time. The entire concept is contrary to human nature. This is not the way things are meant to be, and we all feel it. In order to cope we find easier ways of doing things, but take just as long to do them. If we can’t shorten our day, at least we can reduce the total amount of effort we’re putting in. Deep down we know that there simply is no reason for more work to get done in the first place, when we’re surviving just fine already. But we can’t eliminate inflation entirely in this system. We’re too good at becoming more efficient. Eventually, we slip up, finish too early, and accomplish more than we intended. The bar accidentally moves higher. For the good of humanity, we’ve got to watch out, and slack off as much as possible. Yes, folks. The solution to all of our problems is to do as little as we can, whenever we can. We’ll use fewer resources, less energy, have more spare time, cause fewer conflicts, keep effort inflation low.

I’m just trying to set an example for all of us.

How do you cut your sandwiches?

Diagonally or horizontally?

I cut mine properly.


Why is vertical sandwich-cutting so rarely seen as a viable option?

Come on! It’s the only way to attain any approximation of sandwich symmetry, and therefore it’s the best way.

Since it’s the best way, it’s my way.

And since it’s my way, it’s the right way.