Hey, jerk on the bike!

Did you know that traffic laws apply to you, too!? You know how you hate it when you’re riding your bicycle and you almost get run down by a car? Well, as a pedestrian, it pisses me off just as much when I almost get run down by you, while you’re running a red light or a stop sign without watching where you’re going. Cut it the fuck out.

They’d be better off hiring monkeys

I just finished taping up a note for the UPS guy who will be coming tomorrow with a package for me, and with any luck, actually dropping it off.

Why is it so hard to get something delivered?

Why have I had to complain about this 87 other times on this website? (I’d add appropriate links here, but my site is down at the moment, so I’m posting this by e-mail in hopes that it will show up eventually.)

Delivering packages is pretty much the only thing that FedEx and UPS do. You’d think that a business that does one thing would be able to do that one thing reasonably well, and would hire people who have at least one or two of the rudimentary skills required to do that one thing, including:

The ability to count (so I probably shouldn’t be getting calls asking me “I’m at 3943, but I can’t find 3943 1/2”, since anyone with half a brain should be able to figure out that it’s probably somewhere between 3943 and 3945).

The ability to follow simple directions (so when I tell the genius who can’t figure out how to find 3943 1/2 to go past 3943 and try the very next door in the courtyard, I probably shouldn’t get another call 10 minutes later from an entirely different street) (and okay, maybe 3943 1/2 isn’t as straightforward as other addresses — but these guys spend all day every day finding addresses — they should at least be able to figure out that 3934 1/2 N Janssen Ave is not located anywhere on N Greenview Ave).

The ability to read (so I probably shouldn’t have to write a note that says “our buzzer is on the bottom” when our buzzer is clearly labelled to begin with, but when I do it anyway because I have experience with delivery drivers’ limited mental capacities, I probably shouldn’t be sitting in my living room all afternoon listening to absolute silence only to later on find a missed delivery tag stuck to my door, and to be told upon calling the delivery company and asking them to check up on things that the driver explained that no one answered the buzzer — no shit, Sherlock, you didn’t press it).

Hm. Um. Yeah. That’s about all they need to know, as far as I can tell. And yet, they could hire a monkey and get better results. Dear Bob, and they trust these retards to drive company-owned vehicles? If they can’t match “G” on a package to “G” on a label next to a doorbell, is it really safe to assume that they can understand the meaning of a stop sign?

Maybe I need to give up and just leave a sign that says “Dear UPS / FedEx — Get fucked. Just take the damned thing back to the warehouse. I’m sick of playing your little game. We all know I’m going to end up picking it up there eventually, anyway. I will be complaining about you to your supervisor (again) this evening. Have fun with that. I hope you die horribly.”

Seriously, why do they bother sending drivers, when seemingly nothing ever gets successfully delivered to anyone?

Kinky Trees

As somewhat of a dirty hippie, I’m usually all for trees… But after the last week or so, I’m definitely in favour of chopping down the lot of them. Fucking tree goddamn pollen! Apparently birch, maple, poplar, aspen, and cottonwood are responsible for filling my head with bricks today. There are 17,900 results for “pollen bukkake” on Google. And with good cause! Spring is the season when the flowers and the trees whip their dicks out and fucking blow their load all over America. Choice quote from Google: “Pollen is trees fucking your EYES. While screaming ‘take the bukkake, bitch!’” And it fucking stings like hell, too! I practically need a crowbar to pry my eyelids apart in the morning.

Fuck nature.

I require assistance

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CTA Tattler: Don’t put $30 on your Chicago Card

CTA Tattler: Don’t put $30 on your Chicago Card

If you’re using a Chicago Card, do NOT select $30 (or $10) as your refill amount. You’ll be giving up free money if you do.

Back when I got my Chicago Card, I selected $20 as my refill. After a few months, I decided that resulted in too-frequent charges, so I moved it up to $30. Today, I finally noticed on my account history, that I was only receiving a $2 bonus for those $30 refills. Wait a second…isn’t it supposed to be a 10% bonus? That’s what I thought all the ads and marketing said when I signed up…current marketing says $2 bonus for every $20 value added. Maybe that’s what it’s always said, and I didn’t realize it. Who knows…

So, the options are:

Refill $10 Bonus $0
Refill $20 Bonus $2
Refill $30 Bonus $2
Refill $40 Bonus $4
Refill $60 Bonus $6

I replied:

How is $2 for every $20 different from 10% when they don’t stipulate anywhere on their website that the $20 must be loaded at the same time? Seems to me, it ought to work out to the same thing, unless they plan on clarifying their wording.

And this is still fucking pissing me off. No, really. How is $2 / $20 different from 10%? I mean, the only thing I would assume from reading that is maybe they would wait until, say… you put $10 on your card twice. Not that they meant they’d give you a $2 bonus for every literal chunk of exactly $20. But if you load $10 twice, guess what bonus you get? A big, fat zeeeeero. Fuck, shit, piss. Yeah, this probably means I lost out of a whole… not very many dollars before I caught it. But, still.

Pretty lame, Milhouse.

Go to hell, Unicru

Dear Unicru,

It seems that at least half of the jobs I’ve been applying to lately use your software to handle applications. Don’t you think you could allow people to set up a profile on your site instead of making me cut and paste sections of my resumé into eight thousand different form fields over and over again? These companies are all asking the same questions, so it would be useful if you’d remember my answers. Those goddamn online applications are seventy-seven pages long! At least!



To better serve you

I paid my Comcast bill by phone today, because the website is an idiot. To better serve me, they had me punch in my phone number right away, in order to access my account. Then, to better serve me, they had me punch in my phone number after I selected the billing menu, so that my account could be verified. Then, the first thing the agent did when she came on the line was ask me for my phone number, in order to pull up my account. Inefficiency irritates me more than most other things. And most other things irritate me an awful lot.