Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Soooo… UPS fucked us again. Didn’t ring the doorbell, and left an incomplete tag. The lady on the phone tells me that a signature is required in person. How would I know that, mister driver? I would have otherwise just left the tag out with a signature on the back, expecting my package to be left on Monday… But nooooo. Asshat. I was told they might try to deliver again today, because I guess I’m effective at complaining (you’d hope so, by now) (the trick is to make sure you don’t say anything at all that could make it seem like you were in any way at fault, because then they basically say “sucks to be you”). If so, I guess I’ll just go sit on the stoop all day or something. And slap the driver when he shows up.

If you have a package delivered by the USPS instead of UPS or FedEx, it still won’t get to your door, but at least they let you pick it up at the nearest post office. UPS or FedEx make us go to Buttfuck, Illinois to pick shit up. Buttfuck, Illinois, BTW, is not accessible by public transit, and guess who doesn’t have a car. So our packages are frequently returned to sender. Awesomeness.

And yeah, they just called me back. Guess I’ll be on the porch from 4:45-5:15pm.

They’d be better off hiring monkeys

I just finished taping up a note for the UPS guy who will be coming tomorrow with a package for me, and with any luck, actually dropping it off.

Why is it so hard to get something delivered?

Why have I had to complain about this 87 other times on this website? (I’d add appropriate links here, but my site is down at the moment, so I’m posting this by e-mail in hopes that it will show up eventually.)

Delivering packages is pretty much the only thing that FedEx and UPS do. You’d think that a business that does one thing would be able to do that one thing reasonably well, and would hire people who have at least one or two of the rudimentary skills required to do that one thing, including:

The ability to count (so I probably shouldn’t be getting calls asking me “I’m at 3943, but I can’t find 3943 1/2”, since anyone with half a brain should be able to figure out that it’s probably somewhere between 3943 and 3945).

The ability to follow simple directions (so when I tell the genius who can’t figure out how to find 3943 1/2 to go past 3943 and try the very next door in the courtyard, I probably shouldn’t get another call 10 minutes later from an entirely different street) (and okay, maybe 3943 1/2 isn’t as straightforward as other addresses — but these guys spend all day every day finding addresses — they should at least be able to figure out that 3934 1/2 N Janssen Ave is not located anywhere on N Greenview Ave).

The ability to read (so I probably shouldn’t have to write a note that says “our buzzer is on the bottom” when our buzzer is clearly labelled to begin with, but when I do it anyway because I have experience with delivery drivers’ limited mental capacities, I probably shouldn’t be sitting in my living room all afternoon listening to absolute silence only to later on find a missed delivery tag stuck to my door, and to be told upon calling the delivery company and asking them to check up on things that the driver explained that no one answered the buzzer — no shit, Sherlock, you didn’t press it).

Hm. Um. Yeah. That’s about all they need to know, as far as I can tell. And yet, they could hire a monkey and get better results. Dear Bob, and they trust these retards to drive company-owned vehicles? If they can’t match “G” on a package to “G” on a label next to a doorbell, is it really safe to assume that they can understand the meaning of a stop sign?

Maybe I need to give up and just leave a sign that says “Dear UPS / FedEx — Get fucked. Just take the damned thing back to the warehouse. I’m sick of playing your little game. We all know I’m going to end up picking it up there eventually, anyway. I will be complaining about you to your supervisor (again) this evening. Have fun with that. I hope you die horribly.”

Seriously, why do they bother sending drivers, when seemingly nothing ever gets successfully delivered to anyone?

Dear Marie, our local UPS Driver

(I’ve been writing a lot of curmudgeonly letter lately. Sitting around at home all day is getting to me. The latest one was to UPS, because their driver keeps leaving my packages at the wrong entrance to my apartment building — behind a door that I can’t open without a key, or bugging random people in that part of the building to buzz me in.)

Fuck it, I don’t really feel like arguing with your fat, lazy ass over the phone, so I’m not going to return your call. I’m glad that I got you in trouble with your supervisor badly enough to have to call me, though.

I know the call would be an argument, because fuck, even your message was semi-indignant and defensive. Yes, Marie, the address on the packages said “#### 1 2 N ####### Ave” instead of “#### 1/2 N ####### Ave”. I’ll give you that one. Without the slash, it could be a bit confusing, I guess. So, one point for you. That’s a problem with whatever system removed characters from the label. I have the same problem entering my address into various computer systems. They don’t like the slash one bit.


The labels also included my apartment number. There is no 2W at the entrance you left the packages on the inside of. You could not possibly have buzzed any buzzer with the non-existent 2W label. You should have noticed you were at the wrong place. And 2W is in the same building. You only had to go to the next door.

Okay, I guess maybe you could have thought the 2W was wrong as well, or maybe just missed it, since it’s on another line. I guess not everyone is particularly bright. (And I’m not entirely sure that the apartment numbers are clear on the labels over there, because I’ve never checked. They’re on the box by my door, though. Meh)


The labels also included my name. I happen to know that there is no buzzer labeled Payne at that entrance, because I had to randomly buzz up and bug several of my neighbours over there in order to be let in to get my stuff. You had to do the same thing, huh? Pretty goddamn rude, if you ask me. You obviously didn’t even care to find the correct delivery location.

When you didn’t see a 2W or a Payne you should have double checked everything. Maybe called me. Whatever. Anything other than leaving my stuff in some random place, inside the first door you could find with an address that looked KIND OF similar to the one on the box.

Especially since I have never authorized UPS to leave my packages ANYWHERE unattended. Especially not at the bottom of the stairs of a section of the building that I do not live in and have no access to.

Plus, you did it two days in a row. On the first day, I called to complain, and was told that they would contact you to tell you that I did not receive my packages, and to figure out what the fuck had happened to them.

So yeah, you’re just stupid. Fuckin’ asshat.

One point for you because the labels were slightly wrong due to one lost character.

But then minus a billion points for being a rude, lazy, mindless dipshit.