My car was the subject of a Big Mac Attack sometime between 2am and 7am this morning. I managed to get most of the two all-beef patties, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions and sesame seed bun off. But there is special sauce all over my windshield, and I hate Jesus.
Peoples Energy, I shake my fist at you. $16.24 activation charge? For what? To change the information on the already existing, already working account? Don’t you think that if you are going to charge $16.24 for this service that you should make some effort to at least get that information right?
Who is Dean Payne? I know that my handwriting can be a little bit messy sometimes (although I’m pretty careful about it in cases where I would like people to copy something down accurately). But if anything, half of my letters are scribbles that look like esses (at least gee, wi, dee, bee, pee, jay, and duh… ess…) I’m reasonably sure that I couldn’t possibly have made the name Sean look like Dean. And it’s a curious fact that the letter dee is right next to ess on the keyboard…
You bastards didn’t even bother to change the address on the account. You have the street number wrong. You have the apartment number wrong. It’s probably a fluke that the bill wound up in the right state. It took three weeks to convince you that my apartment existed, and even then, your customer service representatives could not figure out how to enter it into the computer. The only apartment at this address on record is “basement”. There is no basement here…
I confuses me why the account is in my husband’s name (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) in the first place, since apparently you were unable to open an account using his SSN when we called you and tried. You told us that Sean was already in your system, and that he owed you several hundreds of dollars. I wonder whose number is now incorrectly associated with us.
I look forward to paying you unnecessarily large sums of my money every month for what I hope will continue to be sub-par service.
P.S. – Metric system, plz. WTF is a “therm”. People that aren’t stupid measure in joules.
…
Speaking of idiotic organizations, my green card arrived today, miraculously. The address on the envelope doesn’t exist… The USPS, in a freakish episode of competenceness managed to get it to its destination. And the mailman, in a freakish episode of paying attention to what the hell he was doing managed to put it into the mailbox instead of onto the floor beneath it as usual. Thanks, mailman! That was nice of you!
Can I return it? I don’t need a refund.
It warms my heart to see so many people finding my website by searching for “Kevin Trudeau is an idiot” and “Kevin Trudeau is a dick” and “Kevin Trudeau the crackpot”. You fuckwits looking for information on getting nautical star tattoos, though. You can fuck right off. Here is some information: tu es stultior quam asinus. Some people got here looking for Paul Dirac. And I didn’t even know who that was. Do I get really smart and ramble about quantum physics when I’m drunk? Because I don’t know shit about physics when I’m sober… Meh. Those of you looking for information about Lee Groban — I haven’t personally seen “The Cure for Insomnia”, but if the title isn’t meant to be ironic, I don’t know what is.
I do know the secret to yousing basic alchemy, but I’m not going to tell you until you learn how to youse a search engine.
Here’s another secret, though. Boys are icky, and they have cooties. And they’re dumb, too. Because they don’t understand that I am always right. So I am absolutely correct in telling them to leave me alone with their chromosomally-deficient gobbledygook, and in then huffily going to bed early because I have a grumpiness-induced headache, right? Or was I just being a bitch? I think the answer to that one is pretty obvious (clearly not), but I’m not very smart.
No one has stolen my car yet, despite my frequent invitations for them to do so. Internets, please explain yourselves. No one is going to buy it, considering that it doesn’t work and that the only parts that don’t need to be replaced are the ones that I just replaced. So I have no alternative but to ask you again, kindly. You know you want it.
My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
It finally came to me. The terrible, dreadful, awful, evil, nagging feeling I’ve been experiencing for at least the last year is impatience of a particularly anxiously irritating variety. If only this knowledge helped me in any way, whatsoever. And as far as I know, it will last indefinitely, because I haven’t a clue what I’m so busy being impatient about. Damned distracting. Stupid all-consuming impatience, eliminating my attention span completely! I find this state of being to be quite unacceptable. I guess that it will end whenever I figure out what I’m waiting around for. And then I will say “finally”, and go on to find some other excuse for my rotting brain. But yeah. Jesus fuck shit piss. Liquor.
That’s my big complaint. The little one is this: do you know how many damned papercuts you wind up with if you work at Kinko’s? Carl Sagan would be able to tell you… (Billions and billions).
Those swindlers from the old tale about the Emperor and his new clothes were pretty sneaky, but if they were smarter, they’d have come up with a scheme that didn’t involve sitting around, pretending to work for hours. And hours. And hours. Not a real time or effort saver of a plan, was it.
It sure took them long enough (I mailed my application more than two years ago), but I got this e-mail today:
The following is the latest information on your case status
Receipt Number: MSC041041****
Application Type: I485 , Application to Register Permanent Residence or to Adjust Status
Current Status:
This case has been approved. On November 1, 2005, an approval notice was mailed. If 14 days have passed and you have not received this notice, you may wish to verify or update your address. To update your address, please call the National Customer Service Center at (800) 375-5283.
If you have questions or concerns about your application or the case status results listed above, or if you have not received a decision or advice from USCIS within the projected processing time frame*, please contact the National Customer Service Center.
National Customer Service Center (800) 375-5283.
*The projected processing time frame can be found on the receipt notice that you received from the USCIS.
*** Please do not respond to this e-mail message.Sincerely,
The U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS)
Now… if only I had any clue where the hell they mailed my green card. I’ve tried to update my address repeatedly, but you’re supposed to wait 30 days for a confirmation in the mail (no, seriously — it only takes them a month to update an address — now that’s efficiency!) I’ve never seen one. Last I knew, they were still sending notices to me to my previous previous previous address, and the officer at my interview copied down my previous address, but got it wrong (plus, I have no reason to expect that her records are connected to any other record with my name on it — they have a bit of a problem with linking information at the USCIS).
Ah well. I’m going to be happy, anyway. Not because it means I can stay in the United States, but actually… because it means I can leave now. Or rather, leave, and then be allowed back in (unless I wanted to start the two year process over again, this was a bit of a problem for me until today!) I shall be visiting Ontari-ari-ario posthaste.
The next time someone honks at me for not turning right on a green light when there are pedestrians are crossing the street, I think I will put my car into reverse. Okay, I won’t. But seriously, do they want me to run those people over so that they can get to work faster? It seems like the only reason anyone ever honks on me is because I’m avoiding doing something illegal. Like stopping at a stop sign or red light, or not turning right in front of a bus… WTF.
(A search for “run pedestrians over” on Google leads to an image on Flikr with the title “Please don’t run over pedestrians. They cross here.” I disagree. The crosswalk in the photo leads to a Church of Scientology branch…)
I was just reading another crackpot article about the Mayan Long Count Calendar. Pointless to link it — just the same old bullshit. I’m only posting this entry to say that I cannot wait until the end of December 2012, when absolutely nothing of cosmic significance will happen, to see what kind of garbage the loons will come up with to explain why the world is still around. Cannot fucking wait. It’ll be like X-Day (July 5th, 1998 — the day the Church of the Subgenius claimed as the end of the world), except not a joke (and therefore, infinitely more hilarious). Probably along the lines of all those goofs the Jehovah’s Witnesses have made. They’ll just push the date forward a few years, until the next major planetary alignment, and then spend 2013 reinterpreting Mayan relief sculptures to back them up… Or maybe they’ll admit that they were wrong, and I won’t have to hear their crap any more. Yeah. Right.