Author Archives: Candice

Post or Die!

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I’m joing dis NaBloPoMo thing, you see. Which means that during the month of November, I must post every day, or commit seppuku. And I suppose lazy-ass del.icio.us links don’t even count, eh. Well, this here is the post for November 1st. In which I give you a list of ten things that have already annoyed me today:

  1. glasses are bent, can’t bend them back
  2. that “Barbie Girl” commercial has played 17 times in the last hour
  3. feet are cold, and yet sweaty
  4. cat won’t shut up
  5. no, Windows, I don’t want to restart now
  6. no, Windows, I don’t want to restart now
  7. can’t use vacuum properly (requires new belt), must bend over, use attachment, now back hurts
  8. apartment too cold
  9. apartment too hot
  10. out of lemon Altoids

So that’s that. Don’t even have anything good to complain about, today. That, or I’m getting tired of complaining! Yes, maybe I am, if hell is freezing over. Candice watches Lost now, bye bye.

Okay well

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That didn’t work out that well, my hair is refusing to get stupid enough. Still, though. It’s pretty stupid. See sidebar. And hey, I’m not wearing pants. So I am like, super hot right now. Especially with the crossed eyes. Oh, god, I’m so lonerly.

I lied

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I’ve got stupider things to do than post here.

I’m going to go crimp my hair! Hurray!

Evidence shall be available later.

I will not be satisfied until I have a mane.

Bye, guys

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I have a spider bite, and I’m probably going to die. So, ta. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a black widow or a brown recluse, but whatever the fuck bit me, it hurts like a bitch.

P.S. if somebody doesn’t hurry up and entertain me pretty effectively, I will have no choice but to continue posting. Because I just can’t have my brain start working again today. And the posts are only going to get stupider. And I don’t even care if stupider isn’t a word.

I forget how I used to do this.

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It is strange to examine the evidence of my past, and to discover happiness trying its damndest to sneak up behind me and bite me on the ass. Well, happiness, you’re not very sneaky, are ya. ‘Cause I caught you every time, and sent you packing. I have a curious feeling that nothing has changed. Maybe I can somehow get a message back to myself in the past. Or maybe I’m just not on enough medication.

I used to whine in my damn journal about how nobody wanted to understand me, and I had no real friends. Gay teenager shit. Guess what, teenagers. This is your own fault. I can tell now that I had all sorts of people trying pretty damned hard. Well. Rutabaga! I should post some of my teenage gayitude. Geez, it’s pretty hilarious stuff. Then again, I should probably just burn it.

Anyway, I cried three times today, and I what I can’t figure out is whether this is all just hormones, or if I have a better excuse. It’s usually hard to tell these things without waiting a few days. So, I’ll do that, and then either laugh about it, or shoot myself in the face, accordingly. Meanwhile, I apologize to anyone I’ve emoed out at in the last few days. I’m just insane, is all. Okay? I’ll up my dosage.

“What day is Halloween on this year?”

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Why does this question ever have to be asked? Apparently, the answer is any day from tomorrow until Tuesday. And there are specific hours, too.  WTF, Americans. Is tomorrow the 31st? No, no it isn’t. I’ll have you know that only one of those days is the 31st. And who goes trick-or-treating before dark, if they’re older than 5 years old? What’s wrong with you people? They got the date right in Chicago, at least. But 1pm-7pm? ONE FUCKING PM??? That’s it, kids. You’re all getting razorblades from me. Not that anyone visits our apartment. But if they did, and if they buzzed at 1pm before sensible people are even AWAKE… Poisoned candy. Hear me? Don’t think weirdos like me won’t kill you bastards before dusk. The daylight WILL NOT SAVE YOU. Okay? Being “safe” is for suckers. Correct way to do trick-or-treating: all black outfit, 10pm, jaywalking from house to house, still not getting run over because you’re not a fucking moron who doesn’t look both ways, even if you’re only seven. Wah wah wah. Babies.

You know what, WordPress? I’m sick of you always asking me for a title.

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Know what I don’t miss? (Well, not that I can anymore.) PMS. I switched off of NuvaRing because of, er… female issues… (Sucks, because other than those issues it was much less of a pain in the ass than anything else I’ve tried.) Right now I’m using other methods, and whhheeeee… I forgot allllll about mood swings and zits. Yay for both of those! I was used to the lovely plateau I was constantly stuck on. Not too high, not too low. But especially not too high. Now, though… Back to crying at toothpaste commercials (and oh god, it’s almost Christmas cellphone commercial season) and exploding for no particular reason. Sorry Sean. Although, you were kind of being a jerk tonight. I think. Hard to tell. PMS brainfog of evil! Also, red wine. And not even good stuff. Box wine. Who left this here? Dan, I think? Well, Dan… you’re fired.

In other brain-squashing news… Internet got turned off, because who knew!? You gotta pay for that shit! Whoops. Currently connected through my cellphone, plugged in through USB, set as a modem. Good thing I hacked that shit long ago. Ahhh, T-Mobile. Weren’t counting on me being able to get proper GPRS when you sold me $5.99 unlimited data transfer, were you! The only web access enabled without messing around with things you’re not meant to mess around with is the part where they try to sell you $2 ringtones. Fuck that shit. Anyway, as cool as I am, this is slow as something that is really, really goddamn slow. Even with images turned off. How am I going to check MySpace now!?