“What day is Halloween on this year?”

Why does this question ever have to be asked? Apparently, the answer is any day from tomorrow until Tuesday. And there are specific hours, too.  WTF, Americans. Is tomorrow the 31st? No, no it isn’t. I’ll have you know that only one of those days is the 31st. And who goes trick-or-treating before dark, if they’re older than 5 years old? What’s wrong with you people? They got the date right in Chicago, at least. But 1pm-7pm? ONE FUCKING PM??? That’s it, kids. You’re all getting razorblades from me. Not that anyone visits our apartment. But if they did, and if they buzzed at 1pm before sensible people are even AWAKE… Poisoned candy. Hear me? Don’t think weirdos like me won’t kill you bastards before dusk. The daylight WILL NOT SAVE YOU. Okay? Being “safe” is for suckers. Correct way to do trick-or-treating: all black outfit, 10pm, jaywalking from house to house, still not getting run over because you’re not a fucking moron who doesn’t look both ways, even if you’re only seven. Wah wah wah. Babies.

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