Author Archives: Candice

Dumbass Atheist Meme because I’m a Lazy Fuck

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Bob, I abhor these things. Anyway, boredom and procrastination lead me to do this. Started by The Friendly Atheist, you’re supposed to bold the shit on this list you’ve done. The more boldification, the harder core an atheist you are or whatever the hell that means. An atheist is an atheist, if you ask me. Dunna believe in Jebus et al., end of story, all there is to it. But blahbitty:

1. Participated in the Blasphemy Challenge. (I’ve blasphemed plenty of times, just not on YouTube.)
2. Met at least one of the “Four Horsemen” (Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris) in person. (Meh).
3. Created an atheist blog. (Just this piece of shit — I’m not the sort who can settle on one subject.)
4. Used the Flying Spaghetti Monster in a religious debate with someone.
5. Gotten offended when someone called you an agnostic.
6. Been unable to watch Growing Pains reruns because of Kirk Cameron.
7. Own more Bibles than most Christians you know.
8. Have at least one Bible with your personal annotations regarding contradictions, disturbing parts, etc.
9. Have come out as an atheist to your family.
10. Attended a campus or off-campus atheist gathering. (Not in college, and don’t like hanging out with groups composed of 99% old men, thx.)
11. Are a member of an organized atheist/Humanist/etc. organization. (Not at the moment. Lapsed on a few. Will probably donate to join 1 or 2 again before the end of the year).
12. Had a Humanist wedding ceremony.
13. Donated money to an atheist organization.
14. Have a bookshelf dedicated solely to Richard Dawkins. (Just a general atheism/religion shelf).
15. Lost the friendship of someone you know because of your non-theism. (If I have any particularly religious friends, or if I ever did, I don’t know about it. Well, I’ve had one or two, but in Canada, they’re just not so… freakish about it.)
16. Tried to argue or have a discussion with someone who stopped you on the street to proselytize.
17. Had to hide your atheist beliefs on a first date because you didn’t want to scare him/her away. (Um, no. If that would scare them away, I’d prefer them to be scared away.)
18. Own a stockpile of atheist paraphernalia (bumper stickers, buttons, shirts, etc). (Particularly fond of my homemade FSM magnet.)
19. Attended a protest that involved religion. (Was considering the Scientology protests, but uh… I don’t consider that a religion, anyway.)
20. Attended an atheist conference. (I am broke.)
21. Subscribe to Pat Condell’s YouTube channel. (I might, I don’t know, actually.)
22. Started an atheist group in your area or school. (No need. There are already several composed of old men or students of schools I don’t go to.)
23. Successfully “de-converted” someone to atheism. (I don’t actually know.)
24. Have already made plans to donate your body to science after you die.
25. Told someone you’re an atheist only because you wanted to see the person’s reaction. (Why?)
26. Had to think twice before screaming “Oh God!” during sex. Or you said something else in its place.
27. Lost a job because of your atheism. (No, but I wouldn’t want to work at a place like that, anyway, so I doubt I’d be sobbing.)
28. Formed a bond with someone specifically because of your mutual atheism (meeting this person at a local gathering or conference doesn’t count).
29. Have crossed “In God We Trust” off of — or put a pro-church-state-separation stamp on — dollar bills. (ALWAYS, if I have a Sharpie around.)
30. Refused to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. (Especially since I’m not an American — I used to do school portraits here in the state, and all the kids and teachers would stand up and recite. I’d stay on my damned ass.)
31. Said “Gesundheit!” (or nothing at all) after someone sneezed because you didn’t want to say “Bless you!”
32. Have ever chosen not to clasp your hands together out of fear someone might think you’re praying. (Who cares?)
33. Have turned on Christian TV because you need something entertaining to watch.
34. Are a 2nd or 3rd (or more) generation atheist. (Both of my parents are pretty atheisty, I think, even if they don’t realize it. Either way, I certainly wasn’t raised with any sort of religion, period. Not beyond reading the Christmas story on Christmas Eve, but my mom doesn’t believe that shit, anyway. She thinks Jebus was an alien or some wonko Daniken crap.)
35. Have “atheism” listed on your Facebook or dating profile — and not a euphemistic variant.
36. Attended an atheist’s funeral (i.e. a non-religious service). (All of my atheist pals are alive.)
37. Subscribe to an freethought magazine (e.g. Free Inquiry, Skeptic)
38. Have been interviewed by a reporter because of your atheism. (Is that shit news? I’ve had a few messages in my inbox asking for interviews about various things. That might have been one of them. But I always ignore them.)
39. Written a letter-to-the-editor about an issue related to your non-belief in God.
40. Gave a friend or acquaintance a New Atheist book as a gift. (They’ve all got ’em already.)
41. Wear pro-atheist clothing in public. (I don’t like printed shirts period, kthx.)
42. Have invited Mormons/Jehovah’s Witnesses into your house specifically because you wanted to argue with them. (They never visit me ):
43. Have been physically threatened (or beaten up) because you didn’t believe in God. (I’m from Canada, eh. No one gave a damn.)
44. Receive Google Alerts on “atheism” (or variants). (Google shmoogle.)
45. Received fewer Christmas presents than expected because people assumed you didn’t celebrate it. (I don’t expect many presents in the first place, really.)
46. Visited The Creation Museum or saw Ben Stein’s Expelled just so you could keep tabs on the “enemy.” (And give them my money? Fuck that noise.)
47. Refuse to tell anyone what your “sign” is… because it doesn’t matter at all.
48. Are on a mailing list for a Christian organization just so you can see what they’re up to… (Not on purpose, but other people keep signing me up.)
49. Have kept your eyes open while you watched others around you pray.
50. Avoid even Unitarian churches because they’re too close to religion for you.

Well. That was time well wasted. I’m going to go be equally as unproductive doing something else now. Later, gators.

I need something stronger

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Fuck it, I just have no attention span lately. Whatsoever. Concentration shot. Can’t focus on anything.

Drink another glass of wine, get back on the internet. Click through 47 windows. Click refresh click refresh click refresh click refresh. I belong attached to this machine, pipeline to a universe as spastic I am. Don’t need to keep my mind still. Constant stream of new information. Random and completely unrelated information. No need to centre on any one thing at a time. Quick bursts of meaningless, inconsequential data to push the stressful thoughts out of my head, confuse them out of existence.

I tried to watch two episodes of Heroes. I made it through one and a half, but not without taking 17 breaks. I don’t remember how to sit still, at least not mentally, that’s for sure.

This song is stuck in my head, also it’s my new anthem:

I want a new drug
One that won’t make me sick
One that won’t make me crash my car
Or make me feel three feet thick

I want a new drug
One that won’t hurt my head
One that won’t make my mouth too dry
Or make my eyes too red

One that won’t make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I’m with you
When I’m alone with you

I want a new drug
One that won’t spill
One that don’t cost too much
Or come in a pill

I want a new drug
One that won’t go away
One that won’t keep me up all night
One that won’t make me sleep all day

One that won’t make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I’m with you
When I’m alone with you
I’m alone with you baby

I want a new drug
One that does what it should
One that won’t make me feel too bad
One that won’t make me feel too good

I want a new drug
One with no doubt
One that won’t make me talk too much
Or make my face break out

One that won’t make me nervous
Wondering what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I’m with you
When I’m alone with you

On The Perpetual Stupidity of Women On The Internet

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20SB Blog Swap 3Today’s guest post is brought to you by
Beth from b e t h i s.

This is all part of the 20 Something Bloggers “Blog Swap 3”
Don’t forget to go check out my post over on her site.

Candice has a little bit of a rant blog, but one of those good rant blogs, not one of those annoying rant blogs (you know the type I am talking about). I tend to get into the rant myself from time to time, but I want to post a specific rant here on a topic Candice has touched on in various forms through her posts: The Perpetual Stupidity of Women On The Internet and Also In Real Life.

Now, I’ve talked about my occasional airheadedness in the past. But at least I present myself to the world with a little bit of class and intelligence. I think, in general, I am confused about why class and intelligence have fallen out of favor with young women.

Example: Facebook. If I see one more goddamn picture on Facebook (and by picture, I mean ENTIRE ALBUMS) tagged of a girl wearing a shirt as a dress and drunk or puking or sitting on some guys face or puking while sitting on some guys face, I am going to throw my computer out the window. Actually, I might just plant a virus so that all these girls get punched in the face every time they tag that shit. The question is, when did it become cool to show the world what a fucking idiot you are?

I’m not saying that I never puke while sitting on a guys face, but I don’t publicize it over and over again for the public to revel in. I don’t make albums entitled “Let’s drink up sluts!” and “My bitches, my bong.” (OK, that one is actually kind of funny) or “Sluts! Skanks!”. And I certainly do not make albums entitled “Lil’ Hottie” full of pictures THAT I TOOK OF MYSELF.

I think this trend is making our gender/generation look foolish. It actually concerns me sometimes. I am a big believer in fun, don’t get me wrong, but where are we going to draw the line?

So here is a list of cringe-worthy stupidity that women our age need to stop doing immediately:

  • Uhh, wearing uggs, sweatpants and northface jackets all the time in public. Thanks for noting this Candice (PS- stealing “clonetastic”… genius).
  • Saying “Oh, I like all music except, like, country.” and other similar phrases. You should probably think about having an opinion. It’s not offensive (or hard) to have a preference.
  • Staying in dead-end relationships/hooking up with people they don’t actually like. This one frustrates me to no end. I may be perpetually single, but at least I can last more than a week without hooking up with a random douche just out of boredom.
  • Not using birth control, or misusing birth control. … Really, ladies? We’re still doing this?
  • Getting into drunken physical altercations.

Feel free to comment with more; I’m sure there are endless examples. And like I said, by no means am I Anti-Fun, but I am more Pro-Using Brains. I think we all need to wikipedia the word “class” and learn a few things.
In summary, I need to turn my blog into a rant blog because that was way too satisfying. And as Ron Burgundy says, stay classy San Diego skanks.

The horror!

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The horror!, originally uploaded by leepus.

Just found this picture of myself that I hadn’t seen before (I’m the one in white, being corrupted by vampires). Wondering why I haven’t been out of the house much lately, let alone done anything comparatively mad. Sick of being a shut in. Well. Fuck.

(Edit: P.S. This shit was fucking hot. Must resolve to have clothing ripped off by numerous hot women more often. And what the fucking fuck, I was fucking THIN back then. No more food, ever.)

It’s Fuggs season again

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Uggs., originally uploaded by jane.b.

No. No no no no. No, fucking no. NO! No. No no no no no no no no no. Hell no. Hell fucking no. Negatory. Nein. Nope. Non. Ne. Nyet. Nee.

No flip-flops in summer. No fucking Uggs in winter. No fucking goddamn Crocs in any weather. Please stop. Please.

Wear any of these with yoga pants, and I don’t know what I’ll have to do to you.

Add a clonetastic North Face jacket, and quite possibly my brain will explode.

Cease and desist, immediately. I *will* report you to the fashion police. Is there a fashion FBI? Some of the worst offenders might even require action by the fashion secret service.

Tronna (Peektures of where I belong)

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Toronto: Dundas Subway, originally uploaded by Christian E. Peterson.

I miss you :(



End of an Era, originally uploaded by Rabblefish.

You, too.



Foggy Lake Devo, originally uploaded by sssteve.o.

This, big time.



Eaton Centre, originally uploaded by Ron Wilson.

Even this.

Sigh.

Home

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Activity on All Levels, originally uploaded by Hazelbrae.

Randomly came across some pictures of Yonge & Dundas, Toronto today. Homesick! I only lived there (right fucking there — I was going to school at Ryerson) for a year, but I lived within an hour of the city my entire life, before moving to the states. I lived in the middle of nowhere from grade 2 onward, but my earliest years were spent in suburbs of the city, and sub-suburbs of the city. So I never did feel at home in the country. Toronto was always the place to be, and it’s the one place where I always felt like I belonged. I definitely didn’t feel at home after I met Sean and moved to Indiana, and while things are better in Chicago (at least it’s urban), it still doesn’t feel like a place where I belong. Not even after several years. I just don’t grok this city. It doesn’t make sense to me. The people just aren’t my kind of people. I couldn’t even say why, but for whatever reason, I just can’t meld. It’s disorganized. It’s ugly. It’s… freakin’ boring! For being the transportation hub of America, you’d think there’d be more damned culture convening here. But the art and music scenes seem pretty weak. All that being the center of the friggin’ nation seems to be doing for this city is attracting countless boring-ass business conferences. It saddens me. I can see myself in San Francisco. Maybe New York. Definitely back in Toronto. But this city is a wasteland. Somebody prove me wrong. Where is the life? All I see are Trixies and Chads in the loop, posers on Clark & Belmont, hipster douchebags in Wicker Park, tourists at every major intersection, junkies and gangbangers in my neighbourhood, and nobody worth mentioning anywhere else. Is there anyone around here who isn’t into fixed-gear bikes, vegan or raw food diets, yoga (or yoga pants), PBR, The North Face, New Balance, sushi, iPods, indie music, Whole Foods, alternative medicine, ridiculously large sunglasses, pompadour ponytails, or the Cubs around here? Please, give me hope. And why don’t any of you fucking Trixies have blogs that I can laugh at? Twats in every other city have figured out the internet. Chicago’s Blogerati (are there any I should bother caring about?) are light years behind.

End rantble.

It’s all my fault

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In case you were wondering, the person responsible for contaminating our water supply with all those medications, that’s me. Anti-depressants, narcotic painkillers, anxiolytics, hormones. Thanks to me, you’ll be happy, pain-free, chilled out, and have big titties. You’re welcome.

Dear dumbshit cat owner

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Pfffttttt I don’t like carrots!, originally uploaded by Lindsay =).

Your cat is an obligate carnivore. Here’s what Wikipedia has to say about that:

An obligate or true carnivore is an animal that must eat meat in order to thrive. Hypercarnivores present specialized dentition for a meat-only diet. They may consume other products presented to them, especially animal products like eggs and bone marrow or sweet sugary substances like honey and syrup, but, as these items are not essential, they do not consume these on a regular basis. True carnivores lack the physiology required for the efficient digestion of vegetable matter, and, in fact, some carnivorous mammals eat vegetation specifically as an emetic. The domestic cat is a prime example of an obligate carnivore, as are all of the other felids.

In light of this information, please tell me why you would purposefully select cat food containing ingredients such as “brown rice and garden greens” or anything featuring a large picture of carrots and other shit cats don’t eat on the front over other foods? And why are you willing to pay extra for something your cat is much more to redecorate your living room carpet with?

Nevermind. I’ll tell you why. It’s because you’re retarded, and you think your cat is people. Your cat is not people. Your cat does not give a damn about whether its chicken is served florentine. It eats bugs, for fucks sake. Purina et al. know that you’re an idiot, and there’s been hundreds of years of research put into working out just how to reel you it. So the crap comes in a green-colored (“natural”, “healthy”) can, and looks good enough in the photos that you’d almost eat it yourself. Which is just more evidence for how stupid you are. What kind of moron eats cat food? When your cat dreams, it is not dreaming of uprooting delicious beets. But here you are, drooling over poulty by-product.

The cat food companies know that you’re so stupid that you’ll won’t have a problem paying their premium sucker surcharge. You’ll do it willingly. You’ll go out of your way to pay it! Even though that food probably cost them less to make, what with all the extra filler they put in there. And, just to amuse themselves a little bit more with your stupidity, they went ahead advertised the fact that their “gourmet” food is full of extra non-nutritive filler in big fat letters right on the very front. Because if you’re weren’t a dumbshit, that’s what “with brown rice” would mean to you. But you are a dumbshit. You dumbshit.