Did fans of “The Vampire Diaries” suddenly get smarter, or did The CW not adequately promote the show’s return with their “Catch VD” campaign?

I got only one misdirected Twitter message intended for @CandiceAccola this week (from @SandyMarvsCandy — tweet included a not so very good but better than I could do so I should zip it line drawing of one Candice who is not me). Generally I get 5+ Candice Accola tweets per episode. That’s alright, really. It reminds me to watch the show (when you don’t have cable you have to actively seek out anything you want to watch). I don’t feel so bad about it. io9 thinks it’s acceptable, so… uh, fine. That’s sufficient for me to continue to feel alright about myself. They’re right, though. This week’s episode wasn’t that great.

My list of people who have tried to message Candices who aren’t me is now up to 273. Most of the messages are meant for people named Candice who are not notable in any way who have friends that aren’t very smart (I have most of those offenders filtered out in TweetDeck because they just don’t stop, even if I message them to try to explain what they’re doing wrong). The rest are meant for fans of Candice Michelle (wrestler/model/that girl from that one GoDaddy Super Bowl commercial), Candice Nicole (porn star) and sometimes Candice Swanpoel (Victoria’s Secret model).

I don’t get many messages for Candices who are not naked or scantily clad on the internet. Not even the ones that are actually for me would qualify, would they. But it’s a porny name. We Candis/Candys tend to choose the option that is not GTFO, I guess. Can’t find any Candice Olson (“Divine Design”/HGTV) nudes, but even Candice Bergen’s boobs are out there.

The other thing I’ve noticed about Candices on Twitter is that they are overwhelmingly blonde OR black. Which makes sense considering that the two most common meanings are “fire/glittering/glowing/brilliant white” and “Nubian/Ethiopian queen”. Loopiness, that. Fair or dark, and no Candices allowed in between. (“Pure” is given as a possible Latin meaning, but I don’t think that can be right given all the nudity involved.)

I’d like to add one final paragraph to point out that people who spell their name Candiss, Kandice, Kandiss, Kandyss, Candyss, Kandace, etc. are wrong. I will grudgingly accept the use of the arguably more correct Candace (the Greek form was Kandake, and presumably the second c ought to be hard). In Canada people used to ask if my name was spelled with an i or an a. After moving to Chicago they more often ask me “do you spell that with a y”. No. I fucking well do not. That’s stupid, and if you’re aware of any spellings that use a y you ought to be asking for a little more clarification that that, anyway. For instance, I used to spell my name Kahndyss on Geocities. (FYI, Candice was taken and I don’t think I was even in high school yet when I picked that username, so it doesn’t count. Spelling things wrong is the cool thing to do when you’re young. It’s still the way the kids operate. Dumbass kids.)

(While I was writing this I got a second message intended for @CandiceAccola. Someone else from Spain. They seem to really like her in Spain. Why is that?)

What happened on Saturday? Was there a Saturday? Did I sleep through Saturday? Yesterday, I thought it was Saturday. I was happy about that because it meant I had one more whole day to finish some stuff that I was supposed to finish by Sunday (but that isn’t finished yet because today is inexplicably Monday instead of Sunday). Then Sean told me it was Sunday, like, now (meaning: then). Something is wrong. Did we skip ahead an entire day instead of an hour when we moved our clocks? Not that I bothered touching any of our clocks. Any clock that can’t keep track of what time it is on its own has no business being a clock. Sorry excuse for a time machine! And any clock that can’t keep track of what time it is on its own in my apartment has not been set correctly in over a year. I just don’t give a damn what bloody time it is. That’s one of the few luxuries of being broke. Doesn’t matter what time it is. I don’t have anywhere to be. Time is money, and I don’t have any of either of them. Well, as a matter of fact, I have a shit ton of time on my hands. Lemme go wash it off. Takes a lot of soap to stop the passage of time.

I’m wearing jeans that haven’t fit me in a year. Hardly even any muffin-toppage. Suck it, holiday season!