Category Archives: Retarded

Sorry, starving people in Africa

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Which should I feel more guilty about? Wasting food or wasting money?

At the local grocery store one gallon of milk costs less than whatever the next wacko American size down is. Half gallon? Quart? Who cares. Point is: a lot of milk = $1.46, way less milk = $1.54 (I might be off by a few cents here; it’s not like I employ a fact checker).

There is no way in hell my husband and I will ever use an entire gallon of milk before it spoils. Frozen milk is just bleh, plus I’m way too lazy and short of freezer space to do that anyway. I only buy milk once in a while for recipes.

I bought the gallon. Half of that might end up in stomachs. The other half will be poured down the drain in chunks while I make my disgusted face.

Stupid. Just stupid. So let’s just turn this post into another excuse to quote The Simpsons.

Kent Brockman: Coming up next, a new fad that’s sweeping the nation — wasting food.

There’s also a Facebook group for this shit, since there’s a Facebook group for absofuckinglutely everything: New Craze sweeping the Nation–Wasting Food. Actually, there are several wasting food groups, that’s just the first one I found. Arggle blarggle.

Dipshit of the day

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So, some douche that I had no prior contact with posted this shit on Twitter:

If you’re looking for #emo this #christmas, just follow @candice. She’ll make you want to cut your eyes out. TAGGED: #suicide #drama #xmas

(I’m pretty sure, no matter what he says, that it’s because he wants me… Because from his following messages with mentions of my sister and my husband it’s obvious that he’s been up to some creepy stalker action.)

When I wondered what the fuck, this was his explanation:

@candice the deal is free #advertising. You tweets and complaints = my success :) Just look at Lindsay Lohan or Brittney Spears for example

@candice overall it’s a social/twitter experiment and you were the lucky rabbit pulled out of the hat. Ya digg?

It seems that he just searches certain keywords all day and then insults people who show up in the results. Obviously a brilliant marketing technique. I’m sure he has many such wonderful ideas, because his bio states that he is a computer guru. </sarcasm> (100% of people who describe themselves as gurus are fucktards.)

He then gives this advice when I point out that that’s fucking dumb as shit:

@candice be careful what you say online, reputation is everything :)

Seriously, guy? You’re the one posting drive-by insults. I’m the last person who needs advice about the internet, anyway. Me and the internet, we’re pals. We go way back. We understand each other. Be careful what I say online? Totally not into that. I say whatever I feel like saying, and if people have a problem with it, it’s generally because they suck, so I’m not about to give a rat’s ass.

But I think he was really trying to say that tweeting about what a jerkoff he is benefits him, because he goes on to post this snarky BS:

@candice not really giving advice, just a reminder. You publicly tweeted about my feed. I’ve gained 10 of your followers so far. :)

Which, by the way, is a lie. Observe:

thinkclay

0 < 10 (most of the followers he does have appear to be bots) (note to idiot: real people generally do not end their username with four random numbers)

He further explains the genius of his idea:

@candice it’s all a test for a client, twitter is a model that’s great for basing startups. This idea involves negative tweets to draw attn.

Society loves negativity. THRIVES off it in fact. You of all people should understand that. Angst music is one of the most common forms

@candice Brittney Spears. Are you a millionaire? Didn’t think so. Success can be measured in many ways. You’ve just proven mine.

He is right that negativity gets attention, but I don’t think he understands that not all attention is good attention. The keyword I used that led him to me was “Magento”. He just so happens to have a blog that has lots of Magento-related content. Hooray, you succeeded in getting my attention. But will I bookmark your site? No. Because I think you’re a douchebag. Your “client” (if said client actually exists…) could get a lot of attention, sure, but I don’t think telling people that they “make you want to cut your eyes out” is going to get positive results (*cough* negativity begets negativity). But he’s a guru, so he probably knows that a high click-through rate doesn’t mean squat if those resulting hits don’t convert…

And again with the trainwreck misspelled celebrity example. I do not believe that Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan became famous because someone insulted them. Other way around, I think I recall. But aside from that, posting negative things about fuck ups doesn’t get the same reaction as, say, posting negative things about me. Insulting Britney Spears is socially acceptable, because she’s a mess. But insulting me just makes you look like a jerkass, on account of the fact that I am awesome (as anybody with any sense knows). I mentioned him in my feed, yes, but since it was to point out his shit talking, and because people that follow me tend to like me (or they wouldn’t follow me, ya digg?), I don’t think it led to much success for him (i.e. none of my followers are following him, and several agreed that he’s a turdburger).

Oh, and I bet he finds this, because he looooooooooooves me. I blocked his ass, but he’s probably obsessively reloading my Twitter page right at this very moment. It’ll probably give him an ego boost, but whatevs. I just couldn’t believe his level of stupid, and pointing out extreme stupidosity was the original (somewhat failed) purpose of this site, so ta da.

I shouldn’t need this shit.

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NaBloPoMo, eh? Should be unnecessary for me, but obviously I became a lazy ass somewhere along the way. But check that shit. November 2001: 75 blog entries. I’m sure there’s been a month where I exceeded that, but I’ve lost an awful lot of my archives over the years. Sure, a lot of my old entries weren’t much longer than Twitter posts, but at least they were something.

So I’mma do this shit anyway. It’s pathetic. It’s the pussy version of NaNoWriMo, but I’ll do it.

Word-count of all previous novels ever written by me (combined), BTW: 0.

How to Blogetize Your Money

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How to Make Money With Your Blog. Blah. SEO. Blah. Monetization. Blah. Boring. Lame. Gay. Gay gay gay gay super gay.

Here’s the only tip that matters: have a blog that doesn’t suck. Then make money as an afterthought. Preferably by supplementing your excellent content with more excellent content, in a form that people might potentially pay for.

Or just do as everyone else does… Have an entire blog entirely about making money with your blog, for other people with blogs about making money (with your blog). Have fun with your little optimization clusterfuck of optimal lameness, and keep your shit off of the rest of the internet. Thank you.

I dunno. Do you really want readers who are lame enough to stick around as regulars to read your PayPerPost BS, anyway? I don’t like lame readers. I don’t have a terrible lot of readers, but the ones I do have are typically not idiots, or at the very least, are smart enough not to make stupid comments. I could never tolerate the kind of reader who might actually believe that I was motivated to try out such and such a software package on my own, or that I’m seriously looking into a vacation at some dumbshit resort. Or worse, to know that it wasn’t the case, and read with interest anyway. You dopes with sites like this might not be lying, but at the same time, you certainly don’t come off as genuine, and reading your textual diarrhea makes me textually vomit (as seen here).

Bleh bleh. Fuck, I can’t wait until the whole thing collapses under the weight of its own stupidosity. Does anyone visit any of those sites with any regularity, other than people trying to do the same shit? Oh, wait. I might be doomed to deal with it a little while longer, until people smarten up (riiiiight). Because while you’re looking for regular readers to visit on a regular basis and comment with regularity (and they will — but only because they want the regular return traffic), what you really want is organic traffic. In other words, hits from people who are probably looking for something other than your dumb shit site, but are too dumb to find it, and miss their target. In which case, your entire website is a giant hunk o’ spam. Shit they weren’t looking for, and don’t want. They might stick around, because like attracts like, but the ones that click your ads are looking for a way out. Hopefully one that leads them to what they were looking for in the first place. Please delete. Your niche-garbage is polluting my internets with stupid. And ugly.

I have one freakin’ block of ads on my site, and I use it to cover the whoooole $5 that my hosting costs (in fact, I’ll probably start taking it down after I reach that point each month), and I really do hope that the majority of you are using an ad-blocker, because really, I only want the people searching for vagina and fucking vagina and penis fucking vagina and gay penis fucking vagina (what?) etc. to see the darn thing. If I knew that any of you regular readers were stupid enough to move their mouse-cursor anywhere near it… (hm, is it against the rules to tell people not to click my ads? I’ll have to check into that…)

I liked the internet better in 1994.

How about we start calling this shit what it is, though. If making money is the first thing on your mind… if you’re picking a “niche” specifically because you think it will earn you cash… if you’re optimizing things for search engines first and regular, intelligent readers second (or as often seems the case — not at all)… You’re not monetizing, you’re blogetizing. And I don’t like you.

When I was very little

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I used to think that picking your nose would stretch it out, and that’s why some people had big noses. Those people were the gold diggers. Well, that was my hypothesis, anyway. I knew that I didn’t have any supporting evidence, and I didn’t really have the means to carry out controlled experiments. So it remained a totally unconfirmed theory.

I was a weird little kid.

But it kept me from picking my nose…