I have six. Who wants one, and what’ll ‘ya give me?!

Nausea heartburn indigestion upset stomach diarrhea…

I should probably stop eating nothing but spicy mexican / cajun food washed down with cheap beer, shouldn’t I…

Yes.

Probably.

But do you think I’ll let a little discomfort and heartburn stop me?

Hells no. I will not change my eating habits. I will treat the symptom, not the disease. With over-the-counter medications. How convenient! Now I can destroy my body, and not pay until I develop terrible bleeding ulcers years in the future. Hurray!

What if I dont have a button jar?

Every time I turn on the Style network, because my Comcast digital cable menu tells me something good is going to be on, it’s always Martha Stewart.

Reason #938475 that Comcast is evil.

So nobody on MySpace jumped on my Gmail invite…

I have one, and only one.

Who wants it!?

I have a few more job interviews, and I’m suspecting… a few more cups to pee in.

Crazy damn United States of America.

They should develop some sort of “uptight asshole” test.

Those are the people that need to be kept out of the work force.

Not a bunch of relaxed stoners…

Anyhoo.

Good evening. I am in a good mood because it seems like people actually want to hire me now.

But go figure. My work permit expires in a week or so, and I may or may not be able to renew it.

Crazy damn United States of America.

30 to 90 days to process an Employment Authorization Document?

It’s a damned dirty lie!

Then again, it’s legal for the government to lie to me. Essentially.

Crazy damn United States of America.

They don’t even have to apologize.

Even if their mistakes end up getting me deported.

Thank the universe that I took that law class.

I can read the regulations for myself, and defend myself against evil USCIS officers.

“You can’t do that” doesn’t hold up to “well, according to regulation #c4628.d, you can” very well.

Except that those types don’t like to be proven wrong, and are likely to say no, just ’cause they’re allowed to, and you offended their intelligence.

Crazy damn United States of America.

Hate!

The war is on.

I submitted a complaint to the FCC.

Now to sit back.

And watch the FCC not care.

But at least I got my anger out. My complaint contained many exclamation points.

Sick of smooth jazz.

Going crazy.

Want to kill.

I will find their transmitter, and it shall transmit no more!?

Their goddamn signal is all over our radio dial, too. From 88.1 to 107.9. I didn’t check AM, but I’ll bet it’s there, too.

Candice not happy!

I say let’s jam it.

Except that it’s highly illegal, and I don’t know how.

But it sure is cool.

I think it would be fun to get involved in shortwave international espionage.

I could record the numbers for the secret messages in a sexy voice, get Sean to record me a creepy intro tune to rival the Lincolnshire Poacher…

So… Having run out of useless things to do, I’ve been forced to resort to finally buckling down and learning some proper MySQL and PHP instead of learning it the slow way (by figuring out each little thing as I needed it). Maybe one day I’ll actually be able to come up with something worthwhile on my own, and not even by just heavily modifying or piecing together other scripts. But we’ll see how long my motivation lasts, hm? I’ve always read programming languages much better than I’ve spoken them… Because doing a half-assed job is the American Way!

Then again, the main thing preventing me from ever writing an entire set of code myself has always been that I’ve never had to, and I’m lazy. Everything’s always at least half-done for me somewhere else.

My computer speakers pump out a continuous soundtrack of smooth jazz. Just loud enough so that you can barely hear it. Just loud enough to drive you mad. Just quiet enough that you’re not sure if you’re really hearing anything at all. Just quiet enough to tune out and hear only subconsciously. I hope this doesn’t have any strange effects on my thinking processes.

But guess what! I did!

Um, pardon me, but I think that if you’re using a statement like that in your commercial, that it’s painfully obvious that you are indeed running a get rich quick scheme.

But I’ll bet the ad does quite well, considering that people are idiots. They might not notice the absurdness of it all. They might not fell pandered to when they go to Blockbuster video and get charged “extended viewing fees”. They might bob along to the trendy new McDonalds ad campaign (it’s apparently successful… they keep it going… it makes me sad inside). Idiots. Idiots. Idiots. Same people that buy expensive metal detectors from the TV. To find quarters.

Well, one had better find a damn lot of quarters with one of those things, that’s all I have to say about it.