Author Archives: Candice

Following me is a privilege, not a right

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I don’t let worthless followers stick around just to increase my follower count and make me look good. I cross them the hell off the list. @candice is an exclusive club. I’m going on a blocking spree today (also, to a lesser extent, following back interesting people that I may have missed). Here’s how I prune you bastards:

If you’re spam, duh, you’re getting blocked.

If your bio is in the third person, I will probably block you on the spot, without even looking at your tweets, because seriously, that’s annoying. In any case, I almost definitely won’t follow you back.

If your bio contains words like “guru”, “SEO” or anything too sickeningly buzzy, there is an almost 100% chance that I will block you (especially if combined with the third person rule above).

If you follow lots and lots of people, I will think very carefully about why you’re following me, too. If I don’t think you mean to pay any attention to me whatsoever, even if you’re not spam, block.

If you don’t do much but RT others, I might click over to some of those accounts and follow them, but what is the point of following you? There is a very good possibility that you will be blocked.

If you’re a band, a brand, or another non-person (as defined by me, not by SCOTUS), unless you’ve been careful and I’m actually interested (unlikely — if I was interested, I’d find you, and usually from another account), you’re getting blocked.

If you’re a bot that replied to me because I mentioned certain keywords? Even if I am interested in your brand (if applicable), I don’t like you, so you’re blocked.

If your feed is nothing but non-hilarious trending topic jokes, updates from SpyMaster or other such filler garbage (especially the automated kind), for fuck’s sake, make a separate account for that shit, because I probably just found your main account annoying enough to block.

If you type like you’re a 14-year-old on AIM? UR blocked.

If it seems as if you followed me because you want to win me over to your cause (generally Jesus or Tea Party), or to convince me that mine is wrong, it’s not going to work, and also, you’re blocked.

If you have never posted, not even once, and are following only 500 sexy ladies and @theonion, you are creepy and blocked.

If your account is protected and you don’t approve my follow request, well, that’s just rude. And I block rude people.

Mean people… also blocked.

Pictures of your cock? Your cock is blocked.

All caps? Caps-block.

If you’re offensively unintelligent, seriously lame, or obviously need to RTFM, unless you seem like you’d be fun to fuck with, you’re going to get blocked. (Marginal stupidity or lameness just means I won’t follow back)

If a very high percentage of your tweets are replies, I will probably be too lazy to scroll through enough of your history to see what you’re about, unless some of those replies are to me. I might not block you, but I won’t follow you, either.

If most of your updates come from “API”, make extra special sure that your don’t seem the slightest bit spammy, or you’re going to get blocked. If I’m being lazy, you might get blocked anyway.

If I’m clumsy, drunk, or just not paying attention, whoops, some of you get blocked you by accident. Sorry!

If nothing above applies to you, and none of the other arbitrary rules I’ve forgotten about apply either, you might get lucky and avoid being blocked. If I don’t block you, and you don’t post in a foreign language, I will follow you if you seem interesting immediately. Otherwise, I’ll check you out again later. If you never, ever, ever get interesting, as soon as I stop being lazy, you’re in some danger of being blocked (however, I’m pretty damned lazy). Depends on my mood.

“U” instead of “You” is the new “eXtreme”

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This Kotex commercial has been making the rounds because it’s all snarky meta-commentary on how most feminine hygiene products have nothing to do with what they’re selling. Right. Because no one actually wants a commercial that says, “Put this in your cooze, it will plug things up for awhile.” — link

I do. That’s why I use O.B. I don’t want the flowery white spandex dreck, and I don’t want the the flowery white spandex dreck is dreck dreck. I don’t want pink, pearly applicators. I don’t want hip and trendy, brightly coloured applicators that come in edgy black boxes instead. I just want a wad of cotton with a string on it to shove up there. I think this commercial is even more retarded than all those other retarded tampon commercials. It’s for those dumb shit women who are still dumb as shit but think they’re savvy and feel superior when really they’re just not quite as shittily dumb as most other dumb shit women, meaning that they are at least slightly superior, I guess, but not superior enough to be so smug about it. I think that’s the target market they’re going for. Does that demographic have a more concise name? Teenagers? And actually, I’m not going to embed the damned thing. If I do, the terrorists will have won. If you don’t know what I’m talking about already, have fun searching for tampons on Google… Actually, try Jezebel. There’s probably a post about it over there that would make me hate the universe at least 10% more (which is why I stopped reading that dreck). Anyway, they’ve been advertising this junk in this way in at least one or two other countries for a few years, and it wasn’t very ground-breaking then, either. Something cheesy about a beaver.

(Haha, cheesy… beaver… I smell a new Monistat campaign… haha… smell… wow, this is only going to double my vagina-related traffic, isn’t it — and pretty much 90% of my traffic is vagina-related).

Okay, bored now.

Lost Recap: S06E08 “Recon”

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My site was down last week, so you don’t get a recap for “Dr. Linus”.

Pffft, okay, fine. Here: Benjamin Linus is a creepy jerk who is also pathetic and has a shitty life. Did we need a whole episode to fill us in on that? Lost, you’re neither answering nor raising any questions here.

Annnnnnnnnd, this week: Who cares!? Sawyer is naked! <3 <3 <3333333

Lost Recap: S06E06 “Sundown”

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Blah blah blah. I don’t like Sayid. Blah blah blah. More Sayid. Yeah, I got it. He’s got demons and shit. Why doesn’t anybody else find this character as annoying as I do?

Everybody’s acting all weird. Still hot, though.

Piss Sayid:

Piss Christ:

I’m never going to get this ominous melody out of my head, am I?

And surprise! It’s a maddening cliffhanger ending!

Logitech QuickCam Pro 4000 driver install for Windows 7

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This won’t be of interest to very many of you (or: any of you), but I wanted to put this info on the web for others who will eventually be looking for it via Google, so ignore it if it doesn’t apply, and get lost!

Logitech has not provided, and I assume, will not be providing Windows 7 drivers for the oldish QuickCam Pro 4000 (which is still a perfectly fine piece of hardware, so why should I have to buy another one?)

It doesn’t matter. Do this: download the most recent Vista software, and run it. In the final step, the camera will fail to show an image, but ignore that. The software should be installed just fine, the only thing you’ll be missing is the driver.

Some people have had success getting that driver working by simply going through the normal install process, and then unplugging their camera and moving it to another USB port. Windows then detects the device and locates the driver on its own. But in case this doesn’t work for you (it didn’t work for me):

Go into your Control Panel, open “Hardware and Sound”, and then select “Device Manager” under “Devices and Printers” (or just “Device Manager”, if your Control Panel shows all items). You will see an “unknown device” marked by a yellow warning symbol. Double-click on that sucker, then select “Update driver”, choose “Browse my computer for driver software”, and navigate to (or cut and paste) the folder C:\Program Files\Logitech\QuickCamWebInstall\Drivers — make sure the “Include subfolders” box is checked. Hit “Next”, and Windows should install your device. This probably works for other webcam models as well.

You’re welcome. And Logitech, you’re lazy jerks!

Yay! Errands!

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My bank account is going to fuckin gonna overdraft now, through no fault of my own, because I can’t make a deposit, because trasactions I made myself triggered fraud protection and OMG if someone was going to fraudulently DEPOSIT money to my accout, yeah, that would probably upset me. Best prevent that from happening while you’re messing with me. I fuckin hate receiving random mysterious cash. OMGWTFBBQ. Chase, I fucking hate you. I took a frikkin bus from bank A, which wasn’t accepting vcash deposits to bank B, which fuckin just denied to give a shit about my bank card at all. Now I am walking home because there’s no bus coming anytime soon, and my account is going to explode despite the fact that I have a pocketful of cash. And i’l be damned if I’m not stopping off at Jewel and buying a bottle of wine. Mother fucking fuck!