Following me is a privilege, not a right

I don’t let worthless followers stick around just to increase my follower count and make me look good. I cross them the hell off the list. @candice is an exclusive club. I’m going on a blocking spree today (also, to a lesser extent, following back interesting people that I may have missed). Here’s how I prune you bastards:

If you’re spam, duh, you’re getting blocked.

If your bio is in the third person, I will probably block you on the spot, without even looking at your tweets, because seriously, that’s annoying. In any case, I almost definitely won’t follow you back.

If your bio contains words like “guru”, “SEO” or anything too sickeningly buzzy, there is an almost 100% chance that I will block you (especially if combined with the third person rule above).

If you follow lots and lots of people, I will think very carefully about why you’re following me, too. If I don’t think you mean to pay any attention to me whatsoever, even if you’re not spam, block.

If you don’t do much but RT others, I might click over to some of those accounts and follow them, but what is the point of following you? There is a very good possibility that you will be blocked.

If you’re a band, a brand, or another non-person (as defined by me, not by SCOTUS), unless you’ve been careful and I’m actually interested (unlikely — if I was interested, I’d find you, and usually from another account), you’re getting blocked.

If you’re a bot that replied to me because I mentioned certain keywords? Even if I am interested in your brand (if applicable), I don’t like you, so you’re blocked.

If your feed is nothing but non-hilarious trending topic jokes, updates from SpyMaster or other such filler garbage (especially the automated kind), for fuck’s sake, make a separate account for that shit, because I probably just found your main account annoying enough to block.

If you type like you’re a 14-year-old on AIM? UR blocked.

If it seems as if you followed me because you want to win me over to your cause (generally Jesus or Tea Party), or to convince me that mine is wrong, it’s not going to work, and also, you’re blocked.

If you have never posted, not even once, and are following only 500 sexy ladies and @theonion, you are creepy and blocked.

If your account is protected and you don’t approve my follow request, well, that’s just rude. And I block rude people.

Mean people… also blocked.

Pictures of your cock? Your cock is blocked.

All caps? Caps-block.

If you’re offensively unintelligent, seriously lame, or obviously need to RTFM, unless you seem like you’d be fun to fuck with, you’re going to get blocked. (Marginal stupidity or lameness just means I won’t follow back)

If a very high percentage of your tweets are replies, I will probably be too lazy to scroll through enough of your history to see what you’re about, unless some of those replies are to me. I might not block you, but I won’t follow you, either.

If most of your updates come from “API”, make extra special sure that your don’t seem the slightest bit spammy, or you’re going to get blocked. If I’m being lazy, you might get blocked anyway.

If I’m clumsy, drunk, or just not paying attention, whoops, some of you get blocked you by accident. Sorry!

If nothing above applies to you, and none of the other arbitrary rules I’ve forgotten about apply either, you might get lucky and avoid being blocked. If I don’t block you, and you don’t post in a foreign language, I will follow you if you seem interesting immediately. Otherwise, I’ll check you out again later. If you never, ever, ever get interesting, as soon as I stop being lazy, you’re in some danger of being blocked (however, I’m pretty damned lazy). Depends on my mood.

One thought on “Following me is a privilege, not a right

  1. Broke my rule of never reading anything I write. Do all of my posts have things like “some of you get blocked you by accident”? Well, I don't care if they do, anyway, so poo!

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