It’s not just drivers who fucking hate the fuck out of you.

From the Chicago Critical Mass site:

Warning from the Chicago Police Department: We’ll let you break the law, including running red lights, as long as you don’t do it while drunk, or get into any fights, because we’re fucking pussies.

And from their FAQ:

I’ve heard that bike riders sometimes run red lights. Is this true?

The strength of the Mass is in it’s close-knit unity as an organic body. It is sometimes necessary to ride through lights in order to maintain this unity. It is actually safer. Otherwise, car traffic is tempted to weave in and out among small groups of riders.

From the Austin Critical Mass site:

Do you break traffic laws?

Most riders run stop signs and red lights on the ride (after making sure that it’s safe to do so). Some riders obey all the rules, all the time. Many of us feel that the road rules were written with cars in mind and make little sense when applied to bicycles, especially 100 bicycles. (Try staying in one lane on a ride that large.) Requiring a bicycle to behave like a car is much like requiring a fish to behave like an accountant — they’re two totally different things. Other more enlightened parts of the world (including one state in the U.S.) allow cyclists to treat stop signs as yield signs.

Many of us also have contempt for the law because it’s applied unevenly to bicyclists and motorists. When Austin had a helmet law, bicyclists were thrown in jail left and right for not wearing helmets, while we’ve never heard of a motorist going to jail for not wearing a seatbelt. And while cyclists can easily get tickets for something as mundane as riding on the sidewalk, motorists who hit and kill or severely injure cyclists often get off scott-free. The law also provides extra rights for motorists at our expense, such as the right for cars to park in our bike lanes. With all this in mind, it’s no wonder that many cyclists have little regard for a law that requires them to stop at a stop sign when there’s no danger in their simply slowing down instead.

Give

Me

A

Fucking

Break

Hello? The law requiring people, whether they are in a car, on a bike, or on foot serves more than one purpose. Yes, safety is a big one. The other one is to allow smooth flow of traffic. For cars, bikes, and pedestrians. It may be safe to run red lights during critical mass, but it’s fucking annoying. Not just to cars, but to those of us who are on foot. San Francisco has a better idea for you douchebags: Critical Manners. You’ve got all the right to be on the road that you like (because despite what the law says, bicycles are vehicles). You’re a twat if you’re riding on the sidewalk (because despite what the law says, bicycles are vehicles — and in any case, Chicago law makes this exception for your “non-vehicles”). And you’re a mega-super-asshat-fuckwit-trashcunt if you’re blocking pedestrians, cars, or Bob forbid… other bicycles from crossing an intersection.

I know that pedestrians jaywalk all the damned time, eh, whatever. I don’t really have a problem with people / bicycles / cars crossing intersections against the light if it’s safe to do so (better be double-sure of that, kids) and also not rude as fuck to do so. Right-of-way, motherfucker, do you speak it? Hells, I don’t have much respect for the law in general. Everyone breaks at least 87 of those a year. But at least I have respect for people.

Keep being dicks, and I’m going to have to organize some sort of militant pedestrianism / broomstick-at-spokes tossing event up in this bitch.

Also, your hipster fixed-gear, one-speed, brakeless bikes are dumb as hell. And the $8000-worth of accessories tacked onto it are even dumber. Before I was forcibly transformed into a dedicated pedestrian, my car cost less than your BS Laufmaschine (I’ve gotta figure that removing the pedals and gears completely is going to be the next hip trend… Fucking dandies!)

I have spoken.