Excerpt from “The Cure for Insomnia” by Lee Groban: “Lee Groban is an avante garde poet and artist in Chicago. He roams the streets of Chicago a lot and spends much time in libraries researching cultures that don’t currently exist. He tries to bring those cultures back to life through his poetry. Mr. Groban is mentioned in the Guiness Book of Records for the longest movie ever made. The movie consisted of him reading the full length version of The Cure for Insomnia which is over 26,000 pages long.” (The movie is over 80 hours long. Scary!)

I am sitting here in my school library, watching as one of the librarians designs what is apparently meant to be a library website. In Microsoft Word. And with serifs all over the place. I find this offensive. That will be all.

I am shocked. Kelloggs, one of the companies I constantly barrage with pointless ranting e-mails when I’ve got nothing better to do has sent me a reply. Simply amazing. They rarely bother with me. I had e-mailed them several times, pointing out that their superhero cartoon bull, Uder, from the Kelloggs Cereal & Milk Bar commercials should not be able to give milk, for the simple reason that he is well… a he.

Their message:

Hi Candice,

Thank you for your e mail.

So you’re wondering why I’ve got udders? Well, I have mechanical udders
so miiiilk it anytime I want! Let’s get splooshing!

Uder the Cow.

This response is not exactly what I would call satisfactory. Especially in that it does not address the gender issues I had brought up in my message. I believe there is a severe sexism problem within the breakfast cereal cartoon icon industry that needs to be acted upon. Uder is the most prominent symbol of this discrimination; here we have a position requiring what you would assume were female qualifications, and yet it is filled by this genetic oddity, Uder (I cannot for a minute believe the “mechanical udders” claim, as they certainly appear to be quite flesh-like). Also, I had expressed a concern about the possibility of the use of such genetically manipulated animals as a source of ingredients. I fear that such practices may be unsafe. And Kelloggs replies to my most serious letters as if this were all some big joke. I am udderly outraged. Hmph!

(:
!?
that’s so…
so…
pretentious?!

i have nothing to say, nothing at all. it’s alright because nobody reads this website. not even you. especially not you. i likes to waste me time. cold it is in this room, and dark. and silent but for the fridge, it says “clunkwhirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrclunk” and “bdurdle” and “fffffffffffffffffffffff” and the computer, it says “fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” and the printer says “pfffffffffffffffffffffff” and the rain is saying “plutplutplutplutplut” and the heater is saying “fwooooooooooooom.” i don’t really know what silent sounds like. but i think it wouldn’t drill away at my brain like this. i can’t think anymore. and i don’t want to. i think i’d like to sleep, but i have more waiting to do tonight. and waiting is really all i ever do anymore. waiting for what. probably nothing. probably wasting my time, but what else is new. but. but. but. i would like to waste it while asleep so that i could be somewhere other than here. do you know, i’ve been telling the worst of all possible lies lately, and it makes me feel ill. when you talk to yourself, you should tell the truth, always. anything else is ridiculous. because usually you can tell when you are lying. you’d think. yes. usually. i think probably i’ve multiple personalities. or some such nonsense. otherwise i’m not so sure how it is that i can disagree with myself. you’d think i could get along with me. you’d think. you’d think. except that i don’t. or well… i do, but i agree with myself on two different things that are mutually exclusive. what a kettle of fish. a fine one. so what will it be, candice. spring summer spring summer spring summer spring summer spring summer spring summer spring summer spring summer. winter. yes. winter. i will have myself cryogenically frozen until such time as the world makes sense. if i could have myself cloned, now, i would be problem free, wouldn’t i. bah, and humbug. of course, though, i’m not even really being given a choice here, am i. no. no. maybe the most painful part of it all. and so perhaps i should calm down. sleep. calm. meh. drift along as always. breathe.

I think i’m going to post some random things from my computer… Because I have nothing new to say.

(JANUARY 10th, 2001)

dear myself:
( ZERO )

i’ll be, and i’ll be forever.
promise me you’ll promise me?
i promise to promise you.
just as soon as you ask me to.
i’m sorry, sorry, sorry.
don’t know, can’t say: nothing.
it ate me, and it’ll eat you, too!

if you know what’s best for you,
you’ll dig in deeper and shh!
because once you disappear,
you are NEVER COMING BACK!

i know what it looks like.
i’ve seen it, i’ve been it.
you don’t know the first thing.
i am lost forever. goodbye.

.
.
.

YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE
OR WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN.
FOREVER IS A TRAGEDY.

“10 years ago, we wouldn’t have even known the other existed. Now, with the ‘Net, we can suffer knowing each other exists…”

Stupid internet…

water does not burn.
frogs do not grow in plastic tubes of jelly.
frogs are generally not see-through, nor are they the size of small dogs.
no, i will not make out with you.
hot weather does not flatten the earth.
do not look at the black lights.
the is no such thing as metal silly putty.
if you’re dead, you probably shouldn’t drive home.

birds do not have peels.

Okay. I think I’m making progress… taking steps in the right direction… for once I’m not still awake at three AM. However, somehow I’ve managed to set this as the new time to wake up. Well, I guess waking up at any time during what could be considered the morning is a good thing… *yawn* At least better than not getting to wake up at all because I haven’t been asleep…

As to why this has happened… I spent all of last night writing an essay I had put off until later than the last minute. And so when I got home I went straight to bed. I am mentioning this because I would like to take back every unkind word I ever said about that marvelous font, comic sans. Okay, so it’s ugly as hell, even despite it’s total lack of serifs. But it’s big! Added some much needed “length” to my essay, which was over 500 words short. I don’t think anybody will notice… I hope. Okay, wait, nevermind. I don’t care. It’s over. I’m hungry.