I’m obviously too white to leave my apartment alone in this neighbourhood. Not because I’m afraid of getting shot, or mugged, or raped, or yadda yadda. No. Just because it’s socially awkward. Why is that my main concern? I told you. I’m white. Very, very white (scroll dowwwwwwwn).

I have no idea how to respond to any sentence beginning “girl, you…” or “damn [anything]”. I don’t know where I’m going with “all that”. No, I don’t feel the need to “slow it down”. So, guy in the pimp hat, and guy with the too-big pants that could clothe an entire nation… I’m not trying to be rude, but you see, this is not a skill I learned in Canada. The only phrases I was taught for use in public places are “excuse me” and “I’m sorry”. I could maybe work out a response to “nice day, isn’t it?” (yes, it is), “you goin’ to the Cubs game?” (no, I live near here), or “[tension breaking joke about some weirdo on the train or the fact that the train is awfully crowded, and oops, I accidentally touched you]” (yeah, don’t you love the CTA [tentative laugh]?). But beyond that, I’m afraid I’m lost.

Is there a class I can take somewhere?