How to Leave the Planet:
- Phone NASA. Their phone number is (731) 483-3111. Explain that it’s very important that you get away as soon as possible.
- If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House – (202) 456-1414 – to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
- If you don’t have any friends at the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-292-9051). They don’t have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.
- If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
- If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it’s vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.
— Douglas Adams