Wearing a handbag?

This sounds ridiculous. I don’t care how much your boring leather handbag cost (though, if you’re the type that goes around “wearing” yours, it was probably more than my last car — which is pretty silly, because your bag is boring and probably brown but definitely not special enough looking to justify the price, especially considering it was probably also sewn by children in a country you can’t find on a map, you twit). I will be forced to hurt you (emotionally by e-mail — I’m a recluse) if you don’t stop using this phrase. Well, at least… I’ll sit on my ass in front of the TV and hope as hard as I can that you get mugged.

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