I do, in fact, need to lose weight.

Because I’m too broke for shoppings, and I have nothing to wear.

So, unless you want me to go around naked? You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Internet. But it’s just not realistic. And if I don’t lose the seven pounds I gained, I will never fit into most of the clothes in my closet again. “Most” includes every single pair of pants I own minus the one pair with a “6” on the label that I bought when I weighed five pounds more than I do today.

And there go all of your arguments. Vanished in a puff of logic before you even made them. So don’t bother, unless you’re planning to buy me a new wardrobe.

If you are planning to buy me a new wardrobe we can negotiate. Otherwise, suck it.

I will be losing seven to seventeen pounds in the near future, depending on whether I decide I prefer the clothes I have put away with a “3” on the label or the ones with a “1” or a “0”. Thank you very much and goodnight.

(Until then I will be jubbling my larger than usual boobies around town in shirts that are slightly too small, and you can’t watch because you say stupid things to me, so neener neener neener.)