Dear Internet, here’s where I’m at…
By Candice at 11:07:46 on Jan 5, 2009 in General
8:01 AM Lamson: I saw the XKCD comic with metric on my feed and thought of you, but you linked it, so then I can’t really send it lolol
8:03 AM me: are you monitoring me 24/7?
that was like, 10 seconds ago
Lamson: LOL
I just got home
:(
me: but it’s early am!
8:04 AM Lamson: lkjda ??
SO?
me: i dunno. where were you!? irresponsible!
i just woke up :(
work :(
boo :(
Lamson: Not at home obviously, and no I’m not monitoring you, just ignore the camera in your teddy bears
me: and my hair is retardifried.
Lamson: :( I hate mondays
Why is it retardified
me: bleach
Lamson: Is it still black?
8:05 AM me: only got to orange last night
had to run out this morning and buy more bleach
running late now
shit shit shitty mcshit
if i still look retarded in 15 minutes i’m calling off!
Lamson: LOL
Quick!
8:06 AM me: call off for me. tell them i died and i’ll never be back.
Lamson: Oh okay
Number?
me: haha
Lamson: This is the Chicago police department
We only found this work number from her purse, she has been hit by a bus
me: i’ll just do porn instead. there has to be a subgenre for badly dyed hair, right?
8:07 AM Lamson: Yes, like every single porn
me: GREAT!
Lamson: Yay!
me: this is like the worst dye job i’ve ever done
Lamson: You havent done porn yet, you can’t say that
8:08 AM me: supposed to be on bus in 15 minutes
haven’t rinsed yet
let alone dried or put on pants
Lamson: How long do you have to wait for the bleach to be finished
me: until i don’t look stupid :(
Lamson: :(
Call in sick..
Then you can watch season 5 of the xfiles
me: call in retarded
that’s true.
8:09 AM but i won’t enjoy it. i’ll know how stupid i’ll look while doing it.
and that david duchovny could definitely do better. even if he’s sex addicted :(
whatever, he looks better season 1 through 3
i like californication, it has his ass
8:10 AM Lamson: Haha, do better than Tea Leoni?
me: anyhoooooooooo
Lamson: It’s all about the sex scene with the girl from the Nanny
me: fuck that bitch, stealin’ mah man
Lamson: WHAT
Give me Gillian Anderson plox
me: WHERE?
WHO?
give ME gillian anderson
Lamson: :(
me: THANK YOU VERY MUCH
REDHEADS!!!!!!
Lamson: You should be Gillian Anderson for Holloween and Sean can be
8:11 AM Seth MacFarlane
me: i am feeling kind of insane today
i think my head might explode
Lamson: How was the head doctor?
me: oh. he says my head is broken.
lalalalalalala.
Lamson: With what :(
I’ll let you have mine
It dont work right but it’ll get you there
me: something that requires prozac and klonopin
CHECKING HEAD NOW
8:12 AM Lamson: Hooray
8:14 AM Does it look retarded?
me: still quite orange. needs another application. going to have to take a taxi
8:15 AM can’t be late on the day i have a meeting to discuss how i’m always late
Lamson: lol
me: FUCK
Lamson: Oh God
me: I’M DOOMED
Lamson: I saw a picture
:(
me: haha. stop looking at porn.
Lamson: http://[removed]
?!?
ITS NOT PORN
Are you trying to dye it to your natural hair color
8:16 AM I’m confused, I dun knoes these bleach and dyes thingers
8:17 AM me: well sometimes it’s prn
porn
pr0n
alskdjasld
8:18 AM oh yeah i’m taxiiiiing
it
and
blogging this when i get to work
because this is the most retarded i’ve been in a while
and i’m not even (very) drunk
Lamson: Haha
8:19 AM Monday, you know what that means, I drank heavily the night before
me: anyway, where would you get that lnk without looking at porn
prevert
8:20 AM my kitchen smells like gas
but all the pilot lights are lit?
Lamson: WHAT
Googling
Poisoncandi, it’s the second link..
me: solution to all of life’s problems
Lamson: You have Gas stoves over there?
me: wait, no. that’s alcohol.
8:21 AM gas stove, yeh.
LEAK
ho hum
Lamson: Russias new years is 10 days long
me: call and tell ‘em i’m dead, i said
Lamson: Dont you wish you were Russian
YOU DIDNT GIVE ME A NUMBER
me: give me the number to RUSSIA
i need to call them and tell them they’re idiots
i don’t know my work number
1-800 something something
oh god i’m so late
8:22 AM Lamson: Are you still waiting for your hair to dry
8:23 AM Tick tock!
8:24 AM me: put in more bleach! i’m way behind!
little bit high now, though. so i don’t care as much.
hey let’s get fired!
Lamson: Lol, well, isn’t that what you want..
Kind of
??
me: i’m not a citizen so i can’t get unemployment so no
Lamson: Time to start e-business
WHAT I thought you got your citizenship or something like half a year ago
8:25 AM or you got a renewel
al
8:26 AM me: permanent resident yes
citizenship, noooo
and i don’t have like $98231748916 to apply
plus, i’d have to like, learn about your government. fuck it.
8:27 AM OMG i’m later than the latest ever.
ok not really. sometimes i don’t wake up this early.
Lamson: You know more about the government than I do
me: fire me already!
Lamson: It’s like 830
YOURE FIRED
me: yeh, takes an hour to get to work. need to be there at nine. doom.
8:28 AM i put on pants at least?
Lamson: Maybe..
Go to work naked
???
Profit!
8:29 AM me: then they won’t notice my hair, at least…
plus, probably makes me seem nearly as insane as i actually am
Lamson: :)
me: free ride to inpatient holiday at the hospital
8:30 AM waiting 10 minutes, rinsing, repeating, conditioning. taxi.
Lamson: Hooray
me: i bet my hair falls out.
wait, better plan. SHAVE HEAD.
Lamson: I’m kind of worried about that since I’ve known you
me: which?
Lamson: Lol, well, that would work..
Hair falling out
Since you dye your hair like
8:31 AM Every day
me: oh. yeah. well.
not yet
my head is lumpy so it WOULD suck
always running into shit….
man. i need a drink
hooooooooooooooo hoo hoo
8:32 AM Lamson: Lol
Why are you always late? and why do you smell like alcohol
me: it couldn’t be alcoholism. ’cause i can stop whenever i want.
8:33 AM how long til i rinse? when did i say that?
Lamson: um
me: if i still look retarded, it’s the will of Bob
Lamson: 6 minutes
You can join my island
8:34 AM me: 6 minutes left?
Lamson: And slack
Yes, 6 minutes till it’s 10 minutes from 830
me: you’re in some alternate dimension, i think. but okay.
it’s 8:31 where i live
FUCK I’M LATE
8:35 AM Lamson: It’s 835..
CHECK YOUR PHONE
Sattelite accuracy
8:36 AM me: ps universe i’m having a nip
phone is 3 mintues ahead
I’M EVEN LATER THAN LATE
8:37 AM Lamson: LOL
Your computer clock is wrong
me: mmmm, this will soothe my sense of giving a shit….
p.s. me, where are my klonopinssnssnssns
8:38 AM Lamson: Purse?
Cabinet full of bottles
me: omg rockstar wannabeeees took too many. only 1 left!
Lamson: :(
8:39 AM me: sean trades all of our pills…..
Lamson: That’s pretty burnt
YOU NEED THOSE
I hope you traded it for pot
me: well DUH
Lamson: Its worth it
8:40 AM me: jeebus. i’m actually in a good sort of mood now, except for the having to go to work and being extremely late bit
Lamson: Are they going to write you up or something
me: probably
Lamson: Any unions?
me: i ain’t in no onion
Lamson: GOOD
I hate unions
me: onion cheese factory
8:41 AM Lamson: I love onions
me: inside joke i don’t even understand anymore
Lamson: Purplemonkey dishwasher
me: is it time to rinse?
Lamson: Yeesss
8:42 AM me: solidplateelectricceramichalog
if i still look dumb it’s your fault.
Lamson: Well obviously
You can say I did it
I’ll take full responsibility
|
|
11 minutes |
8:54 AM me: ok i still look retarded.
wheeeee supposed to be at work in like
NOW
8:56 AM Lamson: Lol
Did you call for a Taxi
PIX
9:00 AM me: don’t need to call. downtown chicago. leaving NOW.
9:01 AM Lamson: You better tell me when you’re on a moving yellow MACHINE
|
|
18 minutes |
9:19 AM Lamson: Where are you?!
9:20 AM me: In a cab
Lamson: How do you feel
me: Chestnut and LSD
Lamson: Hows your hair
lol
Crusing pretty fast
Most expensive day ever
me: Hair: retarded. Me: retarded.
9:21 AM Better not go over $16 that’s all I have
Lamson: ksajdska
|
|
5 minutes |
9:26 AM Lamson: I dub thee retarded monday
9:31 AM me: why did this pop up on my work computer
i’m at work now, obviously
avatar highly inaccurate
9:35 AM Lamson: Away message also inaccurate
Well I’ll pretend you dont look retarded
9:36 AM And that your hair is still awesome
me: sweet
someone already told me my hair looked cool…. so…….. um WHAT
9:37 AM i’m kinda drunk hm
Lamson: Well you can type well, so that means you’ll code well, so everything is perfect
Except that you forgot your pants..
me: SHIT
Lamson: :x