Dear Marie, our local UPS Driver

(I’ve been writing a lot of curmudgeonly letter lately. Sitting around at home all day is getting to me. The latest one was to UPS, because their driver keeps leaving my packages at the wrong entrance to my apartment building — behind a door that I can’t open without a key, or bugging random people in that part of the building to buzz me in.)

Fuck it, I don’t really feel like arguing with your fat, lazy ass over the phone, so I’m not going to return your call. I’m glad that I got you in trouble with your supervisor badly enough to have to call me, though.

I know the call would be an argument, because fuck, even your message was semi-indignant and defensive. Yes, Marie, the address on the packages said “#### 1 2 N ####### Ave” instead of “#### 1/2 N ####### Ave”. I’ll give you that one. Without the slash, it could be a bit confusing, I guess. So, one point for you. That’s a problem with whatever system removed characters from the label. I have the same problem entering my address into various computer systems. They don’t like the slash one bit.

Buuuuut…

The labels also included my apartment number. There is no 2W at the entrance you left the packages on the inside of. You could not possibly have buzzed any buzzer with the non-existent 2W label. You should have noticed you were at the wrong place. And 2W is in the same building. You only had to go to the next door.

Okay, I guess maybe you could have thought the 2W was wrong as well, or maybe just missed it, since it’s on another line. I guess not everyone is particularly bright. (And I’m not entirely sure that the apartment numbers are clear on the labels over there, because I’ve never checked. They’re on the box by my door, though. Meh)

Buuuuut…

The labels also included my name. I happen to know that there is no buzzer labeled Payne at that entrance, because I had to randomly buzz up and bug several of my neighbours over there in order to be let in to get my stuff. You had to do the same thing, huh? Pretty goddamn rude, if you ask me. You obviously didn’t even care to find the correct delivery location.

When you didn’t see a 2W or a Payne you should have double checked everything. Maybe called me. Whatever. Anything other than leaving my stuff in some random place, inside the first door you could find with an address that looked KIND OF similar to the one on the box.

Especially since I have never authorized UPS to leave my packages ANYWHERE unattended. Especially not at the bottom of the stairs of a section of the building that I do not live in and have no access to.

Plus, you did it two days in a row. On the first day, I called to complain, and was told that they would contact you to tell you that I did not receive my packages, and to figure out what the fuck had happened to them.

So yeah, you’re just stupid. Fuckin’ asshat.

One point for you because the labels were slightly wrong due to one lost character.

But then minus a billion points for being a rude, lazy, mindless dipshit.

Sincerely,

Me