Candice Payne

Little girls often cannibalized their babies by chewing on fingers and toes, causing them to disappear altogether.

Why don’t you do us all a favour and disappear altogether?

Some experts believe the ice cap could disappear altogether by the end of the 21st Century.

Bluish or grayish Mongolian spots on the back or buttocks usually fade by school age, though they may never disappear altogether.

When bleeding occurs, your sight may become hazy, spotty or even disappear altogether.

Yet the bubble is expanding so quickly.

Religion as we know it may in the future disappear altogether.

There is good news regarding the plague, and we are hopeful, given what people say, that it will soon disappear altogether, and then, if it please God, you will not have this impediment preventing your return.

They suspect he is being tortured and could be made to ‘disappear’ altogether if there is no public outcry.

In women who are not pregnant, hyperthyroidism can affect menstrual periods, making them irregular, lighter, or disappear altogether.

Latencies become lengthened progressively to unrecordable levels as 19.

I’m trying to find them before they disappear altogether.

Side-effects of the antidepressants become less severe but do not disappear altogether.

After high school time collapses and differences in age matter less, until they disappear altogether into the complexities of a life.

How small things can actually get before they disappear altogether?

The few times I had to speak, my voice would either crack noticeably or disappear altogether.

If A = B, then the solution curve is a circle, which may degenerate to a single point or disappear altogether.

Time seems to have a way of causing some things to pass from our consciousness, or to disappear altogether.

Above some threshold, stable states of heavier nuclei disappear altogether and there is no nuclear physics at all.

At that time goodness will abound on all sides and evil will disappear altogether.

Mold will likely never disappear altogether, but there are precautionary steps that can be taken to minimize your exposure.

On the 1st of January 2002, the guilder in the Netherlands will disappear altogether and will be replaced by the euro as the common currency.

It is mighty, indeed, and yet how long do you think you could possibly refrain from boredom if she were to disappear altogether?

 
Here’s my left ear 11 years ago:

Was going through a box of old papers from my school days.

Here is Catullus 101 as (very) loosely translated by one Candice Green in 2000.

Multās per gentēs et multa per aequora vectus
Carried through many traffic jams and many red lights,

adveniō hās miserās, frāter, ad īnferiās,
I have come to this department store,

ut tē postrēmō dōnārem mūnere mortis
to return this defective coffee-maker

et mūtam nēquīquam alloquerer cinerem,
and to speak in vain to your customer service,

quandoquidem fortūna mihī tētē abstulit ipsum.
since fate has stolen the receipt from me.

heu miser indignē frāter adēmpte mihi,
Oh, my poor receipt, cruelly stolen from me!

nunc tamen intereā haec, prīscō quae mōre parentum
Now, however, meanwhile, accept this defective coffee-maker

trādita sunt trīstī mūnere ad īnferiās,
which has been bought from your store in the custom of the middle class,

accipe frāternō multum mānantia flētū,
as a wedding gift to my cousin,

atque in perpetuum, frāter, avē atque valē.
and forever, customer service, hail and farewell.

Was working on updating my portfolio a bit, but my friend put this together for me instead, and now I need not bother. Clearly.

Dear gomers who design ATMs.

This is what I see when I look at your creations.

“Insert check”???

I don’t see anywhere to insert a “check”!

I get actual cheques maybe once or twice a year, so I always forget where the damned slot is. (Hell, ’cause there’s usually a new model ATM installed by then, or my bank has been assimilated by another bank, Borg style.)

I stand there looking all gormless for approximately forever, and people are waiting behind me. Attractive people. Always attractive people, when I’m gormless. Waiting and judging.

Oh, right. The slot is just barely visible in the top left of the photo there. And this photo doesn’t quite accurately represent my POV because I cannot actually see that thing at all at all at all in real life without making like I’m hover-squatting over the toilet in a nightclub bathroom stall.

You have made your machine accessible to midgets and people in wheelchairs. Congrats. It is now inaccessible to tall ladies in heels.

Yes. I’m complaining about this. I have nothing better to complain about today, and well, complaining is my only hobby.

I have a thing or two to say about public water fountains as well, FYI.

(Or at least deal with)

1. It
2. Yourself

I don’t think I can drink Dr Pepper anymore.

Not since realizing that it tastes like baby powder smells.

I wasn’t sure if it always tasted this way and I never noticed before, or if they changed something at some point.

But I did some research and determined that I ruined it for myself by paying too much attention. Somebody else figured it out in 2005.

Either way, I’m a bit sad about this, and I have been sad since February 15th.

Goodbye Dr Pepper, but you are too much like drinking liquefied Powder Fresh deodorant.

For about 45 minutes just now I sat here reading RSS feeds but mostly fiddling behind my back with a strap on my camisole that was twisted through its loop.

This sort of thing is why I don’t remember a lot of what I read, I guess.

I could have easily fixed the problem taking my top off, but that would be losing unless I had done that immediately. Since the initial attempt was made while I was still wearing it, the only possible way to win was to fix it while I was still wearing it.

I finally resorted to cheating by pulling my arm through that one strap so I could reach it more easily.

I felt pretty dirty about it, but it was either that or ultimately dislocate my shoulder.

The strap is no longer twisted through the loop, but upon closer inspection, this appears to be a strap that I sewed back on in a hurry one night before going out.

And I fucked it up. The strap itself is twisted where it attaches to the rest of the top.

I was late that night anyway.

There is nothing I can do to make this better now.

I am a failure.

Kind of want to die.

I bet our landlord is glad this cold weather is almost over!

For reasons he doesn’t bother to be aware of or give a shit about!

Guess what happens when our furnace keeps breaking down (won’t ignite) and you don’t do anything to properly fix it besides jiggling some wires until it works one single time before you leave again, guy?

First of all, one of these posts. Probably you should start reading here. But if you’re masochistic and are still reading, this:

1. The motor runs constantly whenever it gets cold enough in here to kick on until such time as someone comes home to bash it with something and make it work or we wake up (freezing fucking cold) too bash it with something and make it work.
2. Since you pay our electric bill, you get to pay for a furnace that is running all day and night while accomplishing nothing.
3. Since the furnace doesn’t work, we plug in four space heaters and run them at full blast 24/7 instead.
4. Since you pay our electric, you get to pay for running four space heaters at full blast 24/7 instead.
5. You risk having your shitty building burn down because we are running four space heaters at full blast on shitty wiring because we have a non-working furnace that won’t ignite. Problems with ignition… probably not a fire hazard, right?
6. I get really fucking annoyed.

I don’t know how much extra he must be paying on the electric bill every month, and I don’t care. But I’ve really been saving on our gas bill this winter. And freezing my fucking ass off.

Soon I get to be annoyed with the fact that our back door needs to be replaced completely because it doesn’t fit its frame properly anymore and there are huge gaps around all sides that no weatherstripping can fix, meaning that bugs (cockroaches, FUCK) can just walk right on in whenever they feel like it. We have an SRO across the 6-foot alley out back. I dunno if you know what that means, precisely, but approximately: dirtbag everything-infested disgustingness (it’s almost The Whistler season…) I guess he likes constantly paying for exterminators just as much as he liked paying for the extra electric use (instead of gas, sucker) caused by the icy cold draft coming from that fucker all winter. And by draft, I mean wind. ‘Cause this shit is not up to code. Neither is the lake that keeps appearing out our back door and threatening to overflow under the door and into our kitchen. Or you know. Actually doing it.

For the record, I’ve avoided cockroaches two summers ago and apparently ever since then going totally OCD on our apartment with caulk and expanding foam the first time I saw the bastards. I filled in every motherfucking crack in this place. You have nowhere to hide, you sickening bastards! Every crack. Every one. I’m not kidding. Most of the other units still get exterminated every few months. I hope he doesn’t mind the mess caused by my frantic and unprofessional crack-filling. It’s only due to his failure to consider his own preventative measures. (BTW, not exterminating every unit, guy? Just means the cockroaches move to the next resident’s unit temporarily. They do not go away. But I don’t care, because they don’t come here, so continue blowing money.)

I hate landlords, man.

I have to go bash our furnace with something now (damn, I am sick of listening to that thing run), so rant over.

Until next time I have to do laundry, probably.

This blog is mostly about how much I hate to do laundry, I think. And also I think I’ve made this exact post about sixteen times.