By Candice at 06:07:58 on Jul 29, 2010 in Sandwiches | View Comments
(Recently)
You have clearly never conversed with me on the topic of monogamy. If you had you would have quickly learned that my views are:
a) That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of.
,
b) For real? You’re being serious? Isn’t that boring?
,
c) Why?
,
d) That’ll never work.
and
e) Penguins are cute.
Goodnight.
Here is something much more important:

By Candice at 21:00:00 on Jul 25, 2010 in Twitter Updates | View Comments
By Candice at 21:00:00 on Jul 18, 2010 in Twitter Updates | View Comments
By Candice at 23:35:12 on Jun 22, 2010 in Irrefutable Logic | View Comments
Because I’m too broke for shoppings, and I have nothing to wear.
So, unless you want me to go around naked? You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Internet. But it’s just not realistic. And if I don’t lose the seven pounds I gained, I will never fit into most of the clothes in my closet again. “Most” includes every single pair of pants I own minus the one pair with a “6″ on the label that I bought when I weighed five pounds more than I do today.
And there go all of your arguments. Vanished in a puff of logic before you even made them. So don’t bother, unless you’re planning to buy me a new wardrobe.
If you are planning to buy me a new wardrobe we can negotiate. Otherwise, suck it.
I will be losing seven to seventeen pounds in the near future, depending on whether I decide I prefer the clothes I have put away with a “3″ on the label or the ones with a “1″ or a “0″. Thank you very much and goodnight.
(Until then I will be jubbling my larger than usual boobies around town in shirts that are slightly too small, and you can’t watch because you say stupid things to me, so neener neener neener.)
By Candice at 03:23:10 on Jun 22, 2010 in This is unacceptable... | View Comments
Hello there, web form asking me for my personal information!
I can understand why my address is “required information”, even though not everybody has an address. It may indeed be difficult to ship something to someone without an address.
However, “home phone” is also required by you. I do not have a home phone. I do not (think I) know anybody under the age of 30 who has a home phone. Not unless they have DSL, in which case they have may or may not have an actual phone attached to that phone line, and if they do have a phone attached to that phone line the only people who call it are telemarketers. I don’t know why they know that the only people who call it are telemarketers since it was silly of them to answer a phone that rings when someone dials a number they never gave out to anyone, but that’s kind of irrelevant to my main point here.
I filled in your “home phone” field with “N/A” because it is not applicable, but that’s not good enough for you. You only accept entries in the form ###-###-####. Give me a break. Even if I did have a home phone number your form should at least be programmed to be smart enough to figure out that any entry with at least ten digits (or alternatively a “1″ followed by ten other digits) is an acceptable phone number. But, as I’ve pointed out, I don’t have a home phone number. Your form is impossible to fill out without lying. And lying is bad. You will not accept the truth, even if I spell it out in full: “not applicable”. You can’t handle the truth.
Didn’t you see that I also filled in your “cell phone” field with my cell phone number? That’s better than a home phone number. If you call my cell phone number you can contact me all the time, even if I am not at home. But when I am home, it still works there, too! You can send me text messages. You can leave me voicemail even if I don’t own some fiddly analog tape-thingy.
Get a clue, dudes.
By Candice at 17:20:15 on Jun 15, 2010 in Advertising, Annoyances, This is unacceptable..., Twitter | View Comments
And I don’t work for free. (Although, to illustrate my point I will be breaking this rule a teensy bit and giving away some free and undeserved attention.)
Down with this kind of thing:

MTV wants me to advertise MTV and ZYNC. They want me to spam my Twitter followers and Facebook friends. They want me to subject myself to a deluge of marketing. On purpose. They want me to tell you that I like it.
Do I look like a bitch? Then why you try to fuck me like a bitch?
This isn’t a good bribe. There is approximately 0.0000001% chance of any real payoff. You want me to annoy and to be annoyed for (almost definitely) absolutely nothing? I do believe I will pass.
I believe it’s true that everyone has a price. But if I ever do sell out (and as a big fan of Andy Warhol, it’s one of my ambitions in life), you can be damned sure that you won’t be buying me so fucking cheap. Free is way the fuck too fucking cheap. Tweets aren’t worth much, but they’re not worthless. And you know this if you’re trying to trick me into selling them to you.
I do not “RT to win”, and if you need to use this kind of persuasion to get me to promote your product it probably sucks eleventy-seven penises.
I’m all for shameless self-promotion. I’m promote things I’m actually interested in all the damned time. But my personal endorsement is expensive. Even my “this is awesome, *winkwinkIknowyouknowI’mdoingitfortheprize*” endorsement. Fuck the fuck off. If you want me to contribute to your brand recognition, you’re going to need to cough up.
And my dear followers… don’t be Twitter whores. Have confidence. You’re worth enough to be classy Twitter escorts.
By Candice at 02:50:11 on Jun 4, 2010 in Interwebs, Irrefutable Logic | View Comments
Number of posts per day: a fuckload
Portion of the fuckload I give a shit about: a few
Portion of the few that I’ve already seen on smaller blogs: most of them
Portion of the few that are original content or links I that haven’t already seen in the last week and that will therefore be reposted by smaller blogs within minutes to hours: the rest (i.e. not very fucking many)
I’d make this into an infographic, but here’s one thing that’s been boring me to death lately: infographics. They’re over. They’ve been over. (Not as over as steampunk, though.) Please stop. Construct the Venn diagram for this post in your mind, if you must.
I do need the rest of you to continue slogging through Boing Boing, anything Gawker, reddit, Digg, even Kottke (and I have a deep-seated, long-standing hatred of Kottke… of which the origin has been forgotten, but even so, fuck him). You are my social sieve. Thank you for contributing to the efficiency by which I jam my brain full of pointless trivia.
Or, ideally, Google could somehow figure out a way to make Reader weed out or group duplicates in my RSS subscriptions? Please? I don’t really need to see 50 reposts of every XKCD comic.
By Candice at 22:03:01 on May 1, 2010 in Food and Drink, Retarded | View Comments
Which should I feel more guilty about? Wasting food or wasting money?
At the local grocery store one gallon of milk costs less than whatever the next wacko American size down is. Half gallon? Quart? Who cares. Point is: a lot of milk = $1.46, way less milk = $1.54 (I might be off by a few cents here; it’s not like I employ a fact checker).
There is no way in hell my husband and I will ever use an entire gallon of milk before it spoils. Frozen milk is just bleh, plus I’m way too lazy and short of freezer space to do that anyway. I only buy milk once in a while for recipes.
I bought the gallon. Half of that might end up in stomachs. The other half will be poured down the drain in chunks while I make my disgusted face.
Stupid. Just stupid. So let’s just turn this post into another excuse to quote The Simpsons.
Kent Brockman: Coming up next, a new fad that’s sweeping the nation — wasting food.
There’s also a Facebook group for this shit, since there’s a Facebook group for absofuckinglutely everything: New Craze sweeping the Nation–Wasting Food. Actually, there are several wasting food groups, that’s just the first one I found. Arggle blarggle.
By Candice at 04:18:21 on Apr 7, 2010 in General | View Comments
What happened happened.
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
And.
In the voice of Keanu Reeves: “whoa”.
By Candice at 22:18:40 on Apr 5, 2010 in Complaining, Technology, This is unacceptable... | View Comments
I often need to go to the bank to transfer money from one account to another.
By which I mean: I take money out of the ATM (from account A), and I put it right back into the ATM (to account B).
Why in the hell should that be necessary?
I might not complain so much if it wasn’t for the fact that there is a branch of my bank (Chase Chase Chase Chase I hate you Chase) less than a block from my apartment.
But the ATM at that particular location is always giving me this bullshit:

In case that’s not legible, the marquee at the top reads “This Chase ATM is currently unable to accept cash deposits…”
That marquee mocks me about 50% of the time I visit that ATM, so I’m forced to go to the next branch. And I usually have to walk both ways because the CTA sucks. I believe I’ve complained about them many times previously, so I’ll spare you now.
All to take money out of the machine and put it right back freakin’ in.
Did you Americans know that in Canada you can just e-mail money to someone? And I ain’t talking about PayPal, neither. I’m talking about Interac, a mystical, magical future technology that I miss with ridiculous amounts of missitude, and am not going to bother explaining because, having tried before, it is clearly beyond the understanding of Americans. But with the Interac network I certainly wouldn’t need to walk to an ATM to transfer money to myself, and I wouldn’t have to move my ass from in front of my computer to send money to anyone in Canada with a bank account and an e-mail address. An. Y. One.
When I tell people in Canada about the American banking system, it’s like I’m describing something from the Stone Age. They are amazed by how bass ackwards it is and look at me with confuzzlement. America: please to fix before I curmudgeon myself to death.
By Candice at 08:25:03 on Apr 2, 2010 in Television | View Comments
Had to half asleep and half drunkenly make this after rewatching the episode tonight. So here you go. An MP3 for you: Medicinal Fried Chicken
It should loop sort of kind of almost properly. Maybe. Shrug.
By Candice at 23:52:13 on Mar 30, 2010 in General | View Comments
They are trying to get off of the island. It is proving to be exceedingly difficult.
Remind me never to eat at that restaurant.
Oh, hey. It’s that Scottish guy again.
By Candice at 20:54:42 on Mar 27, 2010 in General | View Comments
We’re halfway through the season now. Thank you for wasting even more time by explaining what we’ve already guessed.
By Candice at 15:50:46 on Mar 22, 2010 in Houseplants | View Comments
What happened on Saturday? Was there a Saturday? Did I sleep through Saturday? Yesterday, I thought it was Saturday. I was happy about that because it meant I had one more whole day to finish some stuff that I was supposed to finish by Sunday (but that isn’t finished yet because today is inexplicably Monday instead of Sunday). Then Sean told me it was Sunday, like, now (meaning: then). Something is wrong. Did we skip ahead an entire day instead of an hour when we moved our clocks? Not that I bothered touching any of our clocks. Any clock that can’t keep track of what time it is on its own has no business being a clock. Sorry excuse for a time machine! And any clock that can’t keep track of what time it is on its own in my apartment has not been set correctly in over a year. I just don’t give a damn what bloody time it is. That’s one of the few luxuries of being broke. Doesn’t matter what time it is. I don’t have anywhere to be. Time is money, and I don’t have any of either of them. Well, as a matter of fact, I have a shit ton of time on my hands. Lemme go wash it off. Takes a lot of soap to stop the passage of time.
By Candice at 16:24:49 on Mar 20, 2010 in This is unacceptable... | View Comments
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