Negativesmart

(Recently)

You have clearly never conversed with me on the topic of monogamy. If you had you would have quickly learned that my views are:

a) That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of.

,

b) For real? You’re being serious? Isn’t that boring?

,

c) Why?

,

d) That’ll never work.

and

e) Penguins are cute.

Goodnight.

Here is something much more important:

• Heaven or Hell? — Mu. http://formspring.me/lintilla/q/825762361 #
• 2nding motion: who f'd what up? Speak your mind. Internet wants info, not BS vague public jabs. RT @unter_null: @cyanotic you fucked up man #
• .@unter_null PS, you need to work on your communication. Been seeing Tweets from venues/promoters who are clearly being passively misled. #
• Sorry. My tolerance for BS, characterized here by silence, is low, s'all. RT @cyanotic: @candice @unter_null oh now, now… none of that. #
• That a fact? RT @respectablest: @UNTER_NULL + @CYANOTIC live at Respectable Street this Wednesday July 21st! http://fb.me/vOcEqpT2 #
• You sure? RT @vendetta_music: Check out – @Unter_Null w/ @Cyanotic, RW FFW, and DJ Starr in Denver Aug 09 @ 8:00PM #
• I'll stop, I'll stop. Not really my place. But I feel quite badly for third and fourth and fifth parties who are in the dark. #
• And yes, that's questionable grammar at best. I'm going to go stare at the idiot box and get stupider now. Kbye. #
• Come ON, BSG! Who saves flashbacks til the last episodes? So not interested at this point. I WANT ANSWERS. And yes, I'm late to the game. #
• With fans in every window during the few hours it dropped to a reasonable temp outside I have managed get my apartment down to… 80F :( #
• Watched all of Battlestar Galactica in a couple of weeks. All Along the Watchtower is permanently imprinted on my brain pattern. #
• It is still strange to me that people here have no idea what I want if I ask them for an elastic. #
• I never chose to be an atheist. It's the way I was born :P – "Why it Matters Whether Atheism is a Choice" http://bit.ly/92Gb3z #
• I highly doubt it. RT @latexrecords: In case you didn'r know, catch @unter_null & @cyanotic this Tues @TheShelterAtl #
• "It's like a Hoppity Hop!" – "Doctors save man whose penis swelled so large he couldn’t walk" http://bit.ly/aDIc4H #
• Forgetting to take my pills equals never getting tired and cattiness/grumpiness/excessive whining/chronic nagging/nagging/nagging. #
• It's probably not easy. I didn't really care past the title of whatever this is… – "How Do You Make People Care … http://bit.ly/czfaRq #
• The alarm in my bedroom has been going off for ages. I don't think Sean even notices, but it's killing me out here. You're weird, @cyanotic. #
• Right. Good idea. Create a new strain of super-AIDS… – "New Vaginal Gel Reduces HIV Infection Rates by 54%" http://bit.ly/cNI4oN #
• I saw this and didn't understand either. And I'm cable-free, too, so… I can't help it. Most things I watch are throu… http://disq.us/hlg8v #
• making a flyer. font on photoshop still set to last one used. microgramma. check font for logo i need. microgramma. yay, hooray, cliché. #
• Dawwwww… – "King O ist the happiest ugly Bird you will ever see. And it sings." http://bit.ly/bvJHO0 #
• I approve. Not that everyone who follows me doesn't already know that scientologists are asshats. #stupidscientolo .. http://bit.ly/9gwkT6 #
• Getting dressed up to go to the ATM. @cyanotic stole my keys, so my only choices are to go out and stay out or to let my account overdraft. #
• The Wicked Witch of the West should have had herself Scotchguarded. #
• List fails. These aren't confusing. I haven't seen Mulholland Drive, but yeah, maybe replace that with Eraserhead…. http://bit.ly/cL49FC #
• Site I can't recommend you look at of the day: http://keithboadwee.com/home.html #
• .@Cyanotic, @PreciousLittle and Chris are on the road for the weekend. And I'm done wearing pants for the weekend! It's 83F in here! #
• If you fake a smile your body fools itself into being happier. If I play music that gives me goosebumps can I beat the heat? #
• People who wind cords tightly around their adapters are not my people. Those things are expensive, you know! #
• There are four fans pointing directly at me. None of them have ribbons tied to them. It just doesn't seem right. #
• I think Eels is the band with the sound that best represents my general mood. Optimistically depressed. Adamantly indifferent. Bipolar… #
• "You gotta take the sweet with the sour." #
• Crying feels almost as good as laughing. Making an effort to do both at the same time tonight. #
• Just a response to chronic company. This introvert needs alone time. Emotional outburst is just an extremely heavy-duty (pent up) sigh. #
• .@Endless102 I'm best friends with everyone online! In person here is what I say: "…………………….." #
• Bahaha/sobsobsob. – "July 23, 2010" http://bit.ly/8ZKyQ6 #
• Lame lyric quote for the night (were there more? I forget.) "My kind of love is an ugly love. But it's real and it lasts a long long time." #
• If I never need replacement organs I demand that they be open source. – "Can you audit the software that goes in y… http://bit.ly/dA2D6s #
• I'm going fetal. Best dance moves ever. #
• Gonna put out a disc of remixes. Songs from my HD on shuffle with my cat meowing over everything. She has pretty good rhythm actually. #
• My phone has da Swype, and it IS pretty damned good. And Swype typos are HILARIOUS! – "Speel de Samsung Swipe game!" http://bit.ly/dCTEnl #
• I think this lady is a hoot — Proper Opossum Pedicure: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MRE2K3x-AY #
• Depending on how things were punctuated I think the customer is asking a fair question. – "May Also Cancel Brain Waves" http://bit.ly/cF2naS #
• I may not make full use of my smartitude, but it sure is great for making me feel superior when I give a fact and logic smackdown. #
• Downloaded this last night :) – "Yes Men documentary goes online via Bittorrent to evade censorship" http://bit.ly/9q479q #
• It's under 80 in my apartment for the first time in weeks. I think I'm going to catch a chill. #
• I ask this as much for your benefit as mine, @cyanotic. A new wedding ring for our anniversary. #

• .@cyanotic Oh, I'm having a jolly ol' time playing phone tag with the Chicago Department of Business Affairs. And chomping Klonopins. #
• I'm no gossip, but I have a hard time holding my tongue when BS goes down, because BS deserves exposure. *Shakes fist at [redacted]!* #
• Finally picked up my new glasses. I can see! It's a miracle! #
• http://twitpic.com/xxxxxx are you fucking kidding me? awesome mothering. #
• http://twitpic.com/24t4zc last link didn't work. trying again. #
• I'm broadcasting my live Stickam stream at http://stickam.com/ecidnac started: Tue, 01:33 PDT #
• I'm broadcasting my live Stickam stream at http://stickam.com/ecidnac #
• Bahaha. I love me. #
• Haha. I love the moral of this story. RT @defenestr8: @candice you may dig this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y65lERfzNNE #
• "The average human body produces about a liter of mucus per day." MY body produces at least a gallon. Achoo! #
• Sesame Street: 30 Rocks http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlLv268-JhE #
• Doh! I had an appointment with my private brain care specialist today. Thought it was tomorrow. Need refills of brain candy. #
• It's gotta be over 80 in my apartment and my cat is trying to snuggle up to me for warmth. Lunatic species. #
• Does anyone know a good audio app for Android that has a bookmark feature? #
• .@Cyanotic is opening for The Birthday Massacre (@TBMassacre) tomorrow @ReggiesLive. Tickets, details: http://bit.ly/chxKQE #
• Only just now looked at a physical copy of @cyanotic's The Medication Generation. Pretty okay with how the booklet layout I did looks. #
• Candice smash! – "Motorola Droid X actually self-destructs if you try to mod it" http://bit.ly/digVdp #
• I don't know how liveable this is, but it really is kind of super awesome. – "Real life Simpsons house" http://bit.ly/demyUf #
• I've been booted to the Windows desktop on a couple of ATMs. Kind of scary… had no problem running various apps…. http://bit.ly/d1CvPw #
• Beautiful. – "Anouk Kruithof" http://bit.ly/ajTsx4 #
• Far too long. – "It’s been too long since we walked on the Moon" http://bit.ly/c9B7DB #
• In case your day is going unacceptably well, here you go: – "No peeking!" http://bit.ly/9HhcnX #
• Labels are for suckers. And yes, despite my warnings, my husband got suckered. People should learn to listen to me… http://bit.ly/a1pe9n #
• Lovely day and I'm lovelier with sweat beading on the hairs above my red, red lips. 30C is my absolute limit and you've crossed it, Chicago. #
• http://twitpic.com/26a71x I approve of Bill and Ted related graffiti. #
• All ages shows are fucked. @cyanotic played ages ago and the sun won't set for another couple hours. #
• PS I consider curfew laws to be unconditional. Just gotta have a kid before I can contact the ACLU. So nevermind. #
• Unconstitutional. Stupid phone. #
• I did graphic design for everything on the merch table. Feels good man. #
• Never heard a song by @TBMassacre before. Hubby just opened for them. So reserving judgement, but bonus points for being from Toronto. #
• Look, people. I'm behind the merch booth. I can't go anywhere. No, I don't know where so-and-so is. #
• Who wants to eat my sausage? #
• Smile and nod and nod. I have no idea what anyone is saying to me. #
• If it's not "here is a drink" or "here is some money" I don't really care. #
• I'm sorry for anyone wearing a hijab. For so many reasons, and then the weather on top. Heat is dangerous. Wearing black doesn't help. #
• This is very, VERY good advice. RT @tylerconium Never trust someone that's always nice in reply to tylerconium #
• Feels like 4am, but it's 9:30pm. So now what? #
• Sinking ship advice: jump off. #
• The paintball episode of Community is one of my favorite things ever. #
• i am in love with @joelmchale. #
• People who don't know shit trying to teach others who might know shit (or not) but assume that they don't know shit… Sigh… #

Because I’m too broke for shoppings, and I have nothing to wear.

So, unless you want me to go around naked? You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Internet. But it’s just not realistic. And if I don’t lose the seven pounds I gained, I will never fit into most of the clothes in my closet again. “Most” includes every single pair of pants I own minus the one pair with a “6″ on the label that I bought when I weighed five pounds more than I do today.

And there go all of your arguments. Vanished in a puff of logic before you even made them. So don’t bother, unless you’re planning to buy me a new wardrobe.

If you are planning to buy me a new wardrobe we can negotiate. Otherwise, suck it.

I will be losing seven to seventeen pounds in the near future, depending on whether I decide I prefer the clothes I have put away with a “3″ on the label or the ones with a “1″ or a “0″. Thank you very much and goodnight.

(Until then I will be jubbling my larger than usual boobies around town in shirts that are slightly too small, and you can’t watch because you say stupid things to me, so neener neener neener.)

Hello there, web form asking me for my personal information!

I can understand why my address is “required information”, even though not everybody has an address. It may indeed be difficult to ship something to someone without an address.

However, “home phone” is also required by you. I do not have a home phone. I do not (think I) know anybody under the age of 30 who has a home phone. Not unless they have DSL, in which case they have may or may not have an actual phone attached to that phone line, and if they do have a phone attached to that phone line the only people who call it are telemarketers. I don’t know why they know that the only people who call it are telemarketers since it was silly of them to answer a phone that rings when someone dials a number they never gave out to anyone, but that’s kind of irrelevant to my main point here.

I filled in your “home phone” field with “N/A” because it is not applicable, but that’s not good enough for you. You only accept entries in the form ###-###-####. Give me a break. Even if I did have a home phone number your form should at least be programmed to be smart enough to figure out that any entry with at least ten digits (or alternatively a “1″ followed by ten other digits) is an acceptable phone number. But, as I’ve pointed out, I don’t have a home phone number. Your form is impossible to fill out without lying. And lying is bad. You will not accept the truth, even if I spell it out in full: “not applicable”. You can’t handle the truth.

Didn’t you see that I also filled in your “cell phone” field with my cell phone number? That’s better than a home phone number. If you call my cell phone number you can contact me all the time, even if I am not at home. But when I am home, it still works there, too! You can send me text messages. You can leave me voicemail even if I don’t own some fiddly analog tape-thingy.

Get a clue, dudes.

And I don’t work for free. (Although, to illustrate my point I will be breaking this rule a teensy bit and giving away some free and undeserved attention.)

Down with this kind of thing:

MTV wants me to advertise MTV and ZYNC. They want me to spam my Twitter followers and Facebook friends. They want me to subject myself to a deluge of marketing. On purpose. They want me to tell you that I like it.

Do I look like a bitch? Then why you try to fuck me like a bitch?

This isn’t a good bribe. There is approximately 0.0000001% chance of any real payoff. You want me to annoy and to be annoyed for (almost definitely) absolutely nothing? I do believe I will pass.

I believe it’s true that everyone has a price. But if I ever do sell out (and as a big fan of Andy Warhol, it’s one of my ambitions in life), you can be damned sure that you won’t be buying me so fucking cheap. Free is way the fuck too fucking cheap. Tweets aren’t worth much, but they’re not worthless. And you know this if you’re trying to trick me into selling them to you.

I do not “RT to win”, and if you need to use this kind of persuasion to get me to promote your product it probably sucks eleventy-seven penises.

I’m all for shameless self-promotion. I’m promote things I’m actually interested in all the damned time. But my personal endorsement is expensive. Even my “this is awesome, *winkwinkIknowyouknowI’mdoingitfortheprize*” endorsement. Fuck the fuck off. If you want me to contribute to your brand recognition, you’re going to need to cough up.

And my dear followers… don’t be Twitter whores. Have confidence. You’re worth enough to be classy Twitter escorts.

Number of posts per day: a fuckload
Portion of the fuckload I give a shit about: a few
Portion of the few that I’ve already seen on smaller blogs: most of them
Portion of the few that are original content or links I that haven’t already seen in the last week and that will therefore be reposted by smaller blogs within minutes to hours: the rest (i.e. not very fucking many)

I’d make this into an infographic, but here’s one thing that’s been boring me to death lately: infographics. They’re over. They’ve been over. (Not as over as steampunk, though.) Please stop. Construct the Venn diagram for this post in your mind, if you must.

I do need the rest of you to continue slogging through Boing Boing, anything Gawker, reddit, Digg, even Kottke (and I have a deep-seated, long-standing hatred of Kottke… of which the origin has been forgotten, but even so, fuck him). You are my social sieve. Thank you for contributing to the efficiency by which I jam my brain full of pointless trivia.

Or, ideally, Google could somehow figure out a way to make Reader weed out or group duplicates in my RSS subscriptions? Please? I don’t really need to see 50 reposts of every XKCD comic.

Which should I feel more guilty about? Wasting food or wasting money?

At the local grocery store one gallon of milk costs less than whatever the next wacko American size down is. Half gallon? Quart? Who cares. Point is: a lot of milk = $1.46, way less milk = $1.54 (I might be off by a few cents here; it’s not like I employ a fact checker).

There is no way in hell my husband and I will ever use an entire gallon of milk before it spoils. Frozen milk is just bleh, plus I’m way too lazy and short of freezer space to do that anyway. I only buy milk once in a while for recipes.

I bought the gallon. Half of that might end up in stomachs. The other half will be poured down the drain in chunks while I make my disgusted face.

Stupid. Just stupid. So let’s just turn this post into another excuse to quote The Simpsons.

Kent Brockman: Coming up next, a new fad that’s sweeping the nation — wasting food.

There’s also a Facebook group for this shit, since there’s a Facebook group for absofuckinglutely everything: New Craze sweeping the Nation–Wasting Food. Actually, there are several wasting food groups, that’s just the first one I found. Arggle blarggle.

What happened happened.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

And.

In the voice of Keanu Reeves: “whoa”.

I often need to go to the bank to transfer money from one account to another.

By which I mean: I take money out of the ATM (from account A), and I put it right back into the ATM (to account B).

Why in the hell should that be necessary?

I might not complain so much if it wasn’t for the fact that there is a branch of my bank (Chase Chase Chase Chase I hate you Chase) less than a block from my apartment.

But the ATM at that particular location is always giving me this bullshit:

In case that’s not legible, the marquee at the top reads “This Chase ATM is currently unable to accept cash deposits…”

That marquee mocks me about 50% of the time I visit that ATM, so I’m forced to go to the next branch. And I usually have to walk both ways because the CTA sucks. I believe I’ve complained about them many times previously, so I’ll spare you now.

All to take money out of the machine and put it right back freakin’ in.

Did you Americans know that in Canada you can just e-mail money to someone? And I ain’t talking about PayPal, neither. I’m talking about Interac, a mystical, magical future technology that I miss with ridiculous amounts of missitude, and am not going to bother explaining because, having tried before, it is clearly beyond the understanding of Americans. But with the Interac network I certainly wouldn’t need to walk to an ATM to transfer money to myself, and I wouldn’t have to move my ass from in front of my computer to send money to anyone in Canada with a bank account and an e-mail address. An. Y. One.

When I tell people in Canada about the American banking system, it’s like I’m describing something from the Stone Age. They are amazed by how bass ackwards it is and look at me with confuzzlement. America: please to fix before I curmudgeon myself to death.

Had to half asleep and half drunkenly make this after rewatching the episode tonight. So here you go. An MP3 for you: Medicinal Fried Chicken

It should loop sort of kind of almost properly. Maybe. Shrug.

They are trying to get off of the island. It is proving to be exceedingly difficult.

Remind me never to eat at that restaurant.

Oh, hey. It’s that Scottish guy again.

We’re halfway through the season now. Thank you for wasting even more time by explaining what we’ve already guessed.

What happened on Saturday? Was there a Saturday? Did I sleep through Saturday? Yesterday, I thought it was Saturday. I was happy about that because it meant I had one more whole day to finish some stuff that I was supposed to finish by Sunday (but that isn’t finished yet because today is inexplicably Monday instead of Sunday). Then Sean told me it was Sunday, like, now (meaning: then). Something is wrong. Did we skip ahead an entire day instead of an hour when we moved our clocks? Not that I bothered touching any of our clocks. Any clock that can’t keep track of what time it is on its own has no business being a clock. Sorry excuse for a time machine! And any clock that can’t keep track of what time it is on its own in my apartment has not been set correctly in over a year. I just don’t give a damn what bloody time it is. That’s one of the few luxuries of being broke. Doesn’t matter what time it is. I don’t have anywhere to be. Time is money, and I don’t have any of either of them. Well, as a matter of fact, I have a shit ton of time on my hands. Lemme go wash it off. Takes a lot of soap to stop the passage of time.

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